The Book of Quotes: Summer 2020

Me: What sound does a cow make?

6-year-old: Moo.

Me: What sound does a dog make?

6-year-old: Woof.

Me: What sound does a human make?

6-year-old: This sound.


1: 4’s are usually emo.

4: Can we not come at 4’s for once? Everyone hates 4’s.

9: I think everyone hates 8’s.

4: No. I think everyone hates 4’s and 2’s because 2’s are manipulative.

Guy: From an outsider this sounds like a 3-year-old conversation.


Guy: This mask thing is really good.

Woman: Yeah?

Guy: It’s been saving a lot of ugly people. You don’t know who looks good or who looks bad.


Mom: I thought she was in the next town over.

Me: West Orange?

Mom: No. What’s the town after West Orange?

Me: South Orange?

Mom: No. What town is Montclair State University in?

Me: Montclair?

Mom: Yes! Montclair.


Me: You got a haircut?

6-year-old: Yeah.

Me: Where’d you get it?

6-year-old: On my head.


6-year-old: I brought a blade today.

Me: I hope you didn’t. You’re not supposed to bring blades to school.

6-year-old(pulls out Beyblade)


Guy: What song is that?

Me: “If I Could Turn Back Time”.

Guy: Oh. Whitney Houston.

Me: No. A white woman.

Guy: Mariah Carey.

Me: Fully white.

Guy: Mariah Carey.

Me: Are you…?

Woman: It’s Cher. And she’s half Armenian and half Irish.

Me: Well she’s not Whitney Houston that’s for sure.


Me: I didn’t know that.

Dad: I’m not responsible for your ignorance.


Me: Here’s a riddle. You and 9 of your friends get kidnapped…

Woman: This one’s tough for me because you assumed I have 9 friends.


Me: He was my favorite professor. Then I never saw him again.

Wife: Just like everyone else you’ve looked up to in your life.

Me: Wow. That was wild.


Me: Can I park here?

Guy: Oh snap! The last time someone parked there…nothing happened.

Me: You suck.


Me(touches juice carton)

Guy: Don’t touch that.

Me: …You pissed in it?


Guy: Your reaction was the best.


Me: Why did King Saul hate David?

3-year-old: Sloth.

Me: That’s a really big word. But no. Thats incorrect.


Guy: My mom said she’d get crazy cravings when she was pregnant with me.

Me: Yeah? Do you remember what your mom was like when she was pregnant with your big sister?

Guy: No. Because we don’t have the same mother.

Awkward silence

Me: I forgot about that. But it was a joke. You really could’ve just said “No. Because she’s my big sister.”

Guy: I could’ve.

Me: You’re a jerk.


Guy: What’s your enneagram type?

Me: Nine.

Guy: Is that the boring type?


6-year-old: 0562

5-year-old: Oooooh! That’s a bad word. Teacher! Is 0562 a bad word?

Me: What do you think?

5-year-old: No.

Me: It’s not a bad word.


Woman: Count to ten.

4-year-old: One. Ten.


Wife: Where can I get folding chairs?

Long pause

Wife: DICK’S!

Me: Babe, you can’t scream that.

Wife: What? But it wasn’t…nobody would’ve…

Me: Go ahead. Defend your right to shout that word with no context.

Wife: But I said the s at the end.

Me: So there’s multiple. Even better.


Me: I did that when I went to the Met.

Guy: Met Gala?

Me: No. The museum.

Guy: Sorry. I’m from Jersey.

Me: So am I. What’s the problem here?


Driving home

Me: You’re really flying right now.

Guy: Well you gotta get home to your wife.

Me: Yeah, but it’s not like she’s going into labor.

Guy: How do you know? She could be the next Mary Jane.

Me: What? What does that even mean?

Guy: I was trying to refer to the Virgin Mary. What was her last name? Mary Christ?


Walking outside

Wife: What is that smell? Is that you?

Me: What does it smell like?

Wife: Grass.

Me: Then it’s probably the grass.

Wife: That makes sense.


Guy: If traditional roles were reversed, I could live a pretty happy life if I was seen as a sex object and could cook all day.


Me: I thought you said your birthday was gonna be today.

6-year-old: No. My birthday is in 2 years.


Me(teaching kids Kreyol): Gad yon ko-zay!

Kids: Gad yon ko-zay!

Me: You know what that means?

6-year-old: It means, “What are you doing?!”

5-year-old: It’s what your parents say before they spank you.


Wife: Husband?

Siri: I don’t know who your husband is.

Wife: Nobody asked you!

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