Guy: Do you think she’s pretty?
Guy: I feel like you think everyone’s pretty.
Me: I have very…
Guy: Low standards?
Me: No. I just have a very refined palate for beauty.
Guy: Whatever that means.
Girl: Chi chi chang.
Asian guy: That’s racist.
Girl: No. I was just making up a word.
Asian guy: Really? What accent was that supposed to represent?
Girl: I’m sorry! I’m a racist!
Girl: I felt his knee pain in my knee and prayed for him and God healed him.
Guy #1: Why didn’t you feel my pain?
Girl: I told you to tarry, but you didn’t want to.
Guy #2: You gotta up your tarry game.
Girl: You know that feeling when you smell pepper? Like—
Girl: I wanna punch you in the face.
Me: I love you.
Girl: I don’t think I feel the same.
Friend: It’s a white chocolate mocha with 4 pumps and 3 pumps of peppermint with whipped cream and a caramel drizzle.
Me: All of that went over my head.
Friend repeats order.
Me: I feel like coffee is a religion and I’m a pagan.
Me: I wasn’t thinking.
Friend: You do a lot of that.
Kid #1: Put water balloons on your car then hit someone with your car.
Kid #2: We can’t do it on school property.
Kid #3: I’m pretty sure that’s not the issue.
5-year old(singing): It’s raining people from out of the sky. It’s raining people. No need to ask why. Just open your mouth and drink all the blood.
Husband: Join in on this. We’re laughing and stuff.
Youth: I’ll never get old.
Youth pastor: That’s what I said. Don’t laugh.
Youth: I’m laughing with you.
Youth pastor: I’m twice your age—ah, that sucks.
Youth pastor: None of you know what I’m talking about.
Youth: I do.
Youth pastor: What am I talking about?
Youth: Well, you have to say it again.
Youth pastor: So, themes for the banquet—we can have a Haagan Das funeral.
Youth: Jesus Daas!
Youth: Or no.
Woman(looking at baby): This is so much better than a dog.
Mom: No. This goes into our room all the time.
Woman: At least it doesn’t bite.
Mom: Yes. It does.
Woman: I’m older than him.
Guy: Really? He looks so old…and you…don’t.
Youth: Do you have scissors?
Youth pastor: Nice to see you too! How are you? That’s great! What did you need?
Mom: Be careful about contacts.
Me: But I can be responsible.
Mom: But eye infections are serious.
Me: So are sexual ones. If you’re responsible and wait until marriage, you’ll be fine. But if you go around and…This was a bad example.
Mom: You only see as far the end of your nose.
Me: Then I’ll make my nose longer.
Cousin: Then you’ll be a liar.
Girlfriend: He’s gonna cut off my fingers.
Me: She’s prettier with her fingers.
Girlfriend: And I’m more useful too.
Boyfriend: Ok! And now we have to stop.
Guy: So there’s no attraction?
Me: No. I’m willing to…
Me: No. I’m willing to…
Me: No! Those are huge commitment words. I’m willing to let it go wherever it wants to go.
Guy: I’m thinking of telling her how I feel.
Me: Has she brought it up?
Guy: She leans towards the question of, “What are we?”
Guy: That’s not funny.
Guy: I’m gonna tell her, “I’m going to Dairy Queen. I’ll see you at 10.”
Me: So you’re gonna tell this woman that she’s going out with you? Is that correct?
Guy: Yeah. It’s machissmo.
Me: That’s not gonna work.
Guy: I got your back. Your upper back.
Guy: She said we’re unequally yoked.
Me: She said that? Those exact words?
Guy: Those exact words. And I was like, “That’s cool.”
Me: That’s not cool.
Guy: Yeah. It’s not. But you know what I mesn.
Guy: So lets say you find out you like her. She loves Jesus. She’s His best friend. You get to know her fruits…her spiritual fruits.
Guy: Song of Solomon says, “you have ravished my heart.” That’s what these girls be doing to me. So that’s scriptural.
Me: Let’s be careful now. Cuz the heart is deceitful and desperately wicked.
Guy: Dang it! Why’d you have to bring that up? You cancelled my verse.
Guy: Ever wonder why McDonald’s has the best commercials for something that’s bad for you?
Me: Saturday is the day of Saturn.
Me: Yeah. I’m pretty sure they’re all named after Roman gods.
Guy: What about Wednesday? The day of “whens”. “When’s Thursday?”
Youth: We don’t tell my parents.
Youth pastor: How much money do you have?
Youth: Are we taking bribes from a pastor?
Youth pastor: You’re giving a bribe TO a pastor. Get your prepositions right.
Youth: I think it’s hard for a guy to be a cheerleader without having ulterior motives.
Me: That’s how I feel about a male gynecologist.
Girl: Can you pick up my roommate?
Me: Sure. Where does she live?
Girl: Ummmm…in my room?
Me: What happens after that?
Youth: I don’t know. We’re gonna wing it.
Me: But what comes next?
Youth: Uhhhh….(throws hands up). Type B personality!!!
Me: Hey, it’s an abandoned warehouse. I bet that’d be an awesome place to do parkour. Except we’re in Camden. And it’s getting dark. And this is probably a really bad idea.
Youth: I think we had Taco Bell twice one time.
Youth pastor: Twice? One time?
Youth pastor: Can we just rub the bitterness off you? It’s crusted onto your soul.
Me: What are you looking forward to the most about college?
Youth: Having a boyfriend.
Me: Well, I’m glad we have our priorities in order.
Youth: What happened was that somebody didn’t do their job so we ended up messing up.
Youth pastor: What I’m hearing is “I’m sorry, but I don’t know how to say it without losing my dignity so I’m gonna say random words.””
Youth: I’m sorry. But it wasn’t my fault. I’m sorry.
Youth pastor: If you wanna start spouting Justin Beiber lyrics, I can do that too, but it’s gonna end the same way.
Woman: Can you scratch your throat?
Haitian: Did Emmanuel tell you all Haitians can scratch their throats? They can, but I’m the only one who can’t.
Me: You got balls, you know that? With balls like that, you’ll never get a….
Girl: With balls like this, I know I’mma get a ring.
Me: I see what you did there.
Korean youth pastor: You forgot his name.
Youth: No, I didn’t.
Korean youth pastor: What is it?
Korean youth pastor: What’s his last name?
Girl: Can I buy your baby…mittens?
Youth pastor: These aren’t goldfish. They’re just cookies. It’s like going to a hip hop concert and seeing Justin Beiber.
Guy: You can do that for your friend. The young one.
Me: You’re gonna have to be more specific than that.
Guy: The one with nails.
Girl: Does chocolate help with cramps?
Youth pastor: Yes.
Girl: Is that why girls like chocolate so much?
Me: She’s direct, but gentle. Kind of like Batman with feathers.
Guy: So a black Big Bird?
Youth: You have to say a number from 1 to 12.
Girls: What time is it, Mr. Fox?
Youth pastor: 37.
Youth: 1 to 12! How is that a hard concept?!
Girl: It’s Korean time.
Youth: There’s no 37 in Korean time!
Asian youth pastor: Before you go, I’ll make a man out of you.
Me(singing): I’ll make a man out of you.
Asian youth pastor: Of course you have to make a Mulan reference.
(In youth pastor’s office)
Girl: Is that a box of condoms?
Me: That’s a box of guitar strings.
Girl: She thinks I’ll be forever indebted to you and owe you my firstborn son.
Youth pastor: Agreed. I’ll take him.
Girl: What if I only have daughters?
Youth pastor: Then I’ll take 2.
Me: Can you swim?
Girl: A little. But I wanna float.
Me: You should be able to. You have some body fat.
Girl: I have what?
Me: I’m gonna rephrase that.
(11-year old accidentally spills chocolate milk)
7-year-old(lifting orange juice over head): Now it’s my turn to mess up!
Guy: So I tied my little cousin to the fence.
Me: You what?
Guy: She was bothering me.
Me: How old was she?
Me: And you thought this was okay?
Guy: I was gonna let her go, but I had to take a dump and I forgot about her. But I told my boy to watch her. And I told him that if my Mom came, to untie her.
Me: And what happened?
Guy: Tell me why my Mom comes home and my boy calls me while she’s standing there and is like, “Your mom’s here.” So I’m like, “Then why’s she still tied up?”
Me: I hope you learned your lesson.
Guy: Yeah. Never trust your friends.
Nigerian boy: You do not know the righteousness of the Nigerian accent.
Nigerian boy: Everyone quiet and make a toast to me.
Nigerian boy: I will slap you so hard that your ancestors will feel it.
Me: That was before Dr. King was killed.
10-year-old: Yeah, by Ray Charles, I think.
Me: I’m pretty sure it wasn’t Ray Charles.
10-year-old: I mean James Earl Ray.
(Women talking amongst themselves)
Youth pastor’s wife: There’s this guy at work who’s like the most attractive man we’ve ever seen.
Youth pastor: Really, now? I’m right here.
Me: Hey! One of your youth is like the most attractive girl I’ve ever seen!
Youth pastor: No. No. That’s not the same.
Me: Yesterday we learned about David and the Philistines. What country was David from?
Nigerian boy: Nigeria.