Brother: I have 3 choices with where I could throw this grape: in her mouth, in your mouth or on that balloon and see if it comes back to me.
Me: I feel like there's a lot of other choices that could've come before that third choice.
Guy: But the rewards from the third choice are greater than the others.
Me: Good point.
Me: What's fandante?
Guy: It's the modern version of fondu.
Woman: I'm pretty sure it's not.
Guy: Yeah, I'm just talking now.
Me: I'm a fake Patriots fan. I just like Tom Brady. I barely know that the Patriots are in the Super Bowl.
Guy: Yeah...the Patriots are definitely not in the Super Bowl. Tom Brady is no longer with the Patriots. But he is in the Super Bowl.
Me: That's why Im a fake Patriots fan.
Wife: What movie do you wanna watch? Mulan or Coming to America?
Me: I thought we settled on Mulan. I'm fine with that.
Wife: So Mulan?
Wife: I kinda wanna watch Coming to America.
Me: Why do you do this?
Wife: Now that my hair’s like this I I realize I look more like my sister.
Me: Really? I must think your sister's hot then.
Me: I realize that was a weird way to phrase a compliment.
Writer #1: I’m not really good at following stories.
Writer #2: But you’re a writer.
Writer #1: Yeah...
Writer #2: Ok.
Guy: Spoiled females, what does "no" mean?
Woman: Well I’m not spoiled, but "no" is simply “on” spelled backwards. So I'm pretty sure you meant “yes” on a particular date.
Me: Do you remember being changed?
Me: How long were you in diapers? Do you remember being changed?
Wife: I don't know. Do you?
Me: No. But I probably should because I was in diapers until I was 4.
Wife: I feel like I should’ve asked more questions during the dating period.
Me: What do you think if I shave my beard?
Wife: You’ve done this before and I didn't like it.
Me: Ok. Just to be clear...you’re getting your hair done on Friday right?
Wife: Wow. We’re doing this?
Wife: So it doubles as a sarong.
Me: I don't know what a sarong is.
Wife: Right. I don't know why I thought I could just say that to you.
Me: Neither do I. This is the same guy who didn't know what a fit and flare was.
Wife: You’re annoying. Go to your office.
Me: Okay, okay. What's annoying you?
Wife: Your spirit.
Me: You know that song "I Like It" by Cardi B and Bad Bunny? Bad Bunny has a line where he says”como mueve el culo la Dominicana”. For the longest time I didn't hear “mueve” so I thought he was saying “I eat Dominican booty.”
Colombian man: He probably says mueve but I’m as certain as I’ve ever been about anything that it’s true either way.
Me(uses urinal next to co worker): Whats up?
Co worker: ...
Co worker: Usually it's customary to leave one urinal in between.
Me: You’re right. I'm just used to using the middle one.
Watching military video of UFO:
Husband: WHY!!!! Why do $125 million aircraft that took years and billions of dollars in research and development have 2011 Android phone cameras on them!!! What the hell are we even looking at!! This is proof of a dot???? I guess? Like a moving dot??? What did this video prove?!?
Wife: This looks like an ultrasound. ‘Congrats! It's a boy alien.’
Black woman: You’re Haitian? My husband's Haitian.
Me: Oh yeah? Whats your ethnicity?
Black woman: African American. Same ship different stop.
Latino kid curses Dad out in Spanish
Guy: I don't even understand what he said. But I think it translates to “Lord my time has come. Take me now.”
Co-worker #1: What happened to her?
Co-worker #2: She's gone. Cracked. Like an oyster.
Co-worker #3: Folded. Faster than Superman on laundry day.
Son: Mom, what are the chances of us getting a dog?
Son: So you’re telling me there’s a chance.