Human Aliens

Interview 1

Employer: Are you okay with working?

Human: I’m sorry?

Employer: Working. Are you okay with working?

Human: Of course. That’s why I’m applying for this job. I want to work.

Employer: I only ask because this job is demanding and requires an excellent work ethic.

Human: Trust me. Human beings are one of the hardest working species you’ll find.

Employer: Is that so? Because from what I hear humans did nothing but steal from each other.

Human: Well, there was some petty crime here and there.

Employer: You stole entire countries from people and said they were yours.

Human: I feel like that’s an oversimplification.

Employer: That kinda stuff doesn’t fly here. You can’t discover land people are already living in and take credit for it. We actually do work on Venus.

Human: I understand.

Employer: Have you committed any crimes?

Human: No.

Employer: Good. Last question. Do you have papers?

Human: Papers?

Employer: Immigration papers.

Human: Uhhhh…

Employer: Are you here legally?

Human: Well…you see…the thing is…what had happened was…my planet was destroyed. So I—all of us really—had to come to the nearest hospitable planet which was Venus. So I…

Employer: Do you have papers or not?

Human: No. But! But…and no offense here…my planet was destroyed by you guys. I’m here because of you. You mined Earth for resources and destroyed it in the process and that’s the only reason I’m here.

Employer: That was 100 Venetian years ago. You gotta get over that.

Human: …

Employer: I’m sorry. We don’t hire undocumented workers here.

Interview 2

Employer: So I see here that you’re hard-working.

Human: Yes, sir.

Employer: But you don’t have any papers.

Human: Yeah…

Employer: Well, that’s not a problem here. We have plenty of undocumented aliens. Martians, Saturnalians, Jupitians, you name it.

Human: Well, thats good to hear.

Employer: However…

Human: Oh boy…

Employer: You are human.

Human: Yes.

Employer: Well, I’ve heard about humans.

Human: What have you heard?

Employer: That you like to eat babies. We don’t condone cannibalism on Venus.

Human: Whoa. That was a really small minority. Trust me, MOST humans aren’t cannibals.

Employer: Eh. And then there’s the whole rape thing.

Human: Come again?

Employer: Humans are rapists.

Human: Whoa. Again. That was a small minority of us. And it was a crime. Like, REALLY a crime. Most of us didn’t do that.

Employer: Our records show that 85% of the rapes on Earth were committed by humans. The other 15% was by chimpanzees—your closest cousins. So statistically speaking, you’re probably a rapist.

Human: That’s not how…math works.

Employer: I’m sorry. We can’t hire someone with your…questionable background. It’s bad for business.

Interview 3

Employer: So I see you’re hard-working, you’re undocumented, and you were turned down by an employer because of claims of rape and cannibalism?

Human: I can explain that.

Employer: No need. Those guys are specieists and we don’t do that here.

Human: That’s a relief.

Employer: Here, human lives matter.

Human: Thank you.

Employer: I actually love human culture. It’s one of my favorite ancient civilizations. I even got a tattoo of your global fraternity’s letters.

Human: We didn’t have a….global fraternity.

Employer(shows tattoo of KKK)

Human: Oh wow. That’s NOT our fraternity. That is…whoa.

Employer: And your planetary presidents? Great guys.

Human: We didn’t have planetary presidents.

Employer: My all-time favorite was that one guy in the Caribbean. What was his name?

Human: We didn’t have planetary—

Employer: Castro! Favorite human president. 

Human: He was not…that was not our president.

Employer: And don’t get me started on human fashion.

Human: Ummmm…

Employer: Check this out. My favorite human neck tie.(pulls out a noose)

Human: Holy…

Employer: Eh? Eh? Looks good, right?

Human: I’m gonna stop you right there. None of those things were celebrated on Earth. No one—NO ONE—liked any of those things. And honestly this has all been…kinda offensive.

Employer: I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you.

Human:  No worries. You didn’t know.

Employer: How about this? I’ll grab us a couple drinks and we can sing “Horst-Wessel-Leid” together and call it a day.

Human: Horst…? What?

Employer: Horst-Wessel-Leid.

Human: I don’t know what that is.

Employer: The Nazi national anthem. I thought all humans knew it.

Human: Have you not been listening to anything I’ve been saying?

Employer: You mean you don’t know the song?

Human: No!

Employer: I’m so confused.

Human: Not all humans are Nazis! Or cannibals! Or rapists!

Employer: You know what? I think I see the problem here. 

Human: That you’re making stupid assumptions?

Employer: We’re all about diversity here and want to represent all cultures. But it seems that you’re just not human enough.

Human: …

Employer: …

Human: You know what? Screw it. I’m a Nazi. Heil Hitler.

Employer: There it is! When can you start?


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