Me: Did you recognize your quotes in the book of quotes?
Wife: Yes. They all said “wife”.
Me: Right. I forgot.
Me: What was that look?
Wife: The “I’m gonna beat you.”
Wife: If this childbirth thing isn't as bad as I think it is we’re gonna have like 5 kids.
Me: If this PARENTING thing isn't as bad as I think it is, we’re gonna have like 5 kids.
Woman: Do you know of any good outside areas to take pictures?
Photographer: Not right now.
Woman: I fee like you’re just anti-outside because it’s cold.
Photographer: Not really. I’m just anti-death.
Woman #1: These people angry me! I can’t even talk right.
Woman #2: If you’re gonna get hot you gotta be grammatically correct.
Me: You know what’s funny? You and my ex...that was a weird set up.
Wife: It wasn’t. But that pause definitely was.
Pregnant wife: That would go well with a glass of wine.
Me: Want one?
Pregnant wife: Yes.
Me: I was joking.
Pregnant wife: So was I.
Me: No you weren’t.
Pregnant wife: I wasn’t.
Woman: Sis, lemme tell you how God saved your life. Remember that time we were gonna hang out, but we couldn’t because my mom took my car? Turns out I had COVID.
Me: Here’s another song they translated into Spanish. Why do they keep doing this when there are so many other songs that are more spanishable?
Puerto Rican woman: I don’t know if I’m more mad that they changed the song or that you said “spanishable”.
Woman: Every night I think you’re crying yourself to sleep. But you're just laughing on TikTok.
Woman(scrolling through Instagram): There’s Michael B. Jordan playing in the snow with his girlfriend...without me.
Guy #1: I need some advice. Not about anything in particular. Give me random advice.
Me: If you clip your toenails over a garbage can you don’t have to worry about clean up.
Guy #2: This is some Oogway level wisdom here.
Guy: This lactose cheese is 2 for $1.
Guy: Yes. But it's only 2 for 1 if you go to self-checkout, put them together, and scan one.
Me: Are you ready?
Guy: I'm as ready as Trump is for the inauguration.
Guy: I committed. I didn't care if it made sense or not.
Woman: Bye, 2020. You f***ing weirdo.