Wife: I want a sandwich. But I don’t know what kind yet. Me: Search within yourself. To find yourself. And save yourself from your other self. Wife: Why did I miss you? Woman: You know the whole gif vs jif debate? My cousin said “Imagine God comes down one day and is like ‘Its pronounced ‘Jod.’ then left.” Me: What's today? Guy: Today. Mom: When I was a young girl I bought a new dress to go to church. When I got there I saw another girl with the same dress so I went back home and changed. Dad: What kind of Christian are you? Wife: But she came back! Dad: What are you gonna do when you get to Heaven and everyone’s wearing the same robes? You gonna go to Hell? Black guy: Me and Serena just started dating. Me: Really? What changed? Black guy: She’s white. Me: She...was always white. Did you just realize that? So again. What changed? Black guy: No...I just...we were talking about kids and realized we have the same values when it comes to raising them. Me: Thats nice. Black guy: I’m joking. We’re not dating. Me: I would ask what made you think of joking about something like that but I already know the answer. Black guy: What? Me: You’re just a sick person. Guy: Theres a movie called Vampires Assistant. Me: Whats it about? Guy: A vampires assistant. Listening to "Say Something" Guy: Who sings this again? Me: Christina Aguilera and Great Big World. Guy: Stop. Christina Aguilera? Are you serious? Me: Absolutely. Guy: No way. Are you sure? Me: Completely. Guy: Give me a percentage. Me: 100%. I don’t know what else to tell you. Me: I’ve eaten things off the floor. Wife: I know. I’ve seen you. Me: During COVID. Wife(silence) Woman: Kids are cute. Im gonna adopt one. Me: I don't think thats a good reason to adopt. Also maybe get a husband first. You know...to raise the kid together. Woman: I’ll raise them by myself. Me: So the kids gonna be like “You chose me but you couldn't choose a Dad?” Woman: Gods your Dad. Me: God cant hug me Mom! Guy: Yikes. That got dark. Wife: Kim Kardashian turned 40 and Kanye got her a hologram of her dad. Me: Wow. That's crazy. Wife: They basically had him come down from Heaven to say happy birthday. Me: Wait. He's dead? Wife: Yes. That's...that's common knowledge. Me: Listen I have no investment whatsoever in the Kardashian family. Wife: But that's common knowledge. Me: Common knowledge? The Kardashians are like the quantum physics of reality TV. Nobody can keep up with them. Thats why it was literally called “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” Wife: They say when you’re pregnant with a girl it shows more than with a boy. Woman: That makes sense. That’s what happens with my friend. You can tell in her face that she’s pregnant. Me: How many times has she been pregnant? Woman: Once. Me: Oh. I thought it was several because you said “That’s what happens” like it was a recurring thing. Woman: No. Me: I realize now that it could easily mean she’s pregnant now. Woman: And you’re an English professor? Nov 1: Wife plays Christmas songs Me: Really? Already? Wife: It's Christmas. Me: No it's not. We still have Thanksgiving. You gotta be thankful first before you start asking for Christmas presents. Wife(singing): Give thanks with a grateful heart...I'm thankful. Me: Alicia Keys has looked the same for years. Guy: No. She's looked younger. Me: But she definitely doesn't look as old as she probably is. Jay Z too. Guy: No he looks older. Me: He's like 50. Where are his wrinkles? Guy: Ok. Me: And Pharell. Guy: Yeah. Pharell's a vampire. Woman: None of this sounds like a reason why I don't have cheesecake. Me(playing game on my phone) Wife: Stop smiling at things that aren't me. (Playing card game) Me: Wow. You've gotten better. Wife: And you've gotten worse. Guy: Oh, I DID lock the door. Me: Don't you love it when you outsmart yourself? Guy: Yeah. Well done, past me. I underestimated you.