Wife: I want a sandwich. But I don’t know what kind yet.
Me: Search within yourself. To find yourself. And save yourself from your other self.
Wife: Why did I miss you?
Woman: You know the whole gif vs jif debate? My cousin said “Imagine God comes down one day and is like ‘Its pronounced ‘Jod.’ then left.”
Me: What's today?
Guy: Today.
Mom: When I was a young girl I bought a new dress to go to church. When I got there I saw another girl with the same dress so I went back home and changed.
Dad: What kind of Christian are you?
Wife: But she came back!
Dad: What are you gonna do when you get to Heaven and everyone’s wearing the same robes? You gonna go to Hell?
Black guy: Me and Serena just started dating.
Me: Really? What changed?
Black guy: She’s white.
Me: She...was always white. Did you just realize that? So again. What changed?
Black guy: No...I just...we were talking about kids and realized we have the same values when it comes to raising them.
Me: Thats nice.
Black guy: I’m joking. We’re not dating.
Me: I would ask what made you think of joking about something like that but I already know the answer.
Black guy: What?
Me: You’re just a sick person.
Guy: Theres a movie called Vampires Assistant.
Me: Whats it about?
Guy: A vampires assistant.
Listening to "Say Something"
Guy: Who sings this again?
Me: Christina Aguilera and Great Big World.
Guy: Stop. Christina Aguilera? Are you serious?
Me: Absolutely.
Guy: No way. Are you sure?
Me: Completely.
Guy: Give me a percentage.
Me: 100%. I don’t know what else to tell you.
Me: I’ve eaten things off the floor.
Wife: I know. I’ve seen you.
Me: During COVID.
Wife(silence)
Woman: Kids are cute. Im gonna adopt one.
Me: I don't think thats a good reason to adopt. Also maybe get a husband first. You know...to raise the kid together.
Woman: I’ll raise them by myself.
Me: So the kids gonna be like “You chose me but you couldn't choose a Dad?”
Woman: Gods your Dad.
Me: God cant hug me Mom!
Guy: Yikes. That got dark.
Wife: Kim Kardashian turned 40 and Kanye got her a hologram of her dad.
Me: Wow. That's crazy.
Wife: They basically had him come down from Heaven to say happy birthday.
Me: Wait. He's dead?
Wife: Yes. That's...that's common knowledge.
Me: Listen I have no investment whatsoever in the Kardashian family.
Wife: But that's common knowledge.
Me: Common knowledge? The Kardashians are like the quantum physics of reality TV. Nobody can keep up with them. Thats why it was literally called “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”
Wife: They say when you’re pregnant with a girl it shows more than with a boy.
Woman: That makes sense. That’s what happens with my friend. You can tell in her face that she’s pregnant.
Me: How many times has she been pregnant?
Woman: Once.
Me: Oh. I thought it was several because you said “That’s what happens” like it was a recurring thing.
Woman: No.
Me: I realize now that it could easily mean she’s pregnant now.
Woman: And you’re an English professor?
Nov 1: Wife plays Christmas songs
Me: Really? Already?
Wife: It's Christmas.
Me: No it's not. We still have Thanksgiving. You gotta be thankful first before you start asking for Christmas presents.
Wife(singing): Give thanks with a grateful heart...I'm thankful.
Me: Alicia Keys has looked the same for years.
Guy: No. She's looked younger.
Me: But she definitely doesn't look as old as she probably is. Jay Z too.
Guy: No he looks older.
Me: He's like 50. Where are his wrinkles?
Guy: Ok.
Me: And Pharell.
Guy: Yeah. Pharell's a vampire.
Woman: None of this sounds like a reason why I don't have cheesecake.
Me(playing game on my phone)
Wife: Stop smiling at things that aren't me.
(Playing card game)
Me: Wow. You've gotten better.
Wife: And you've gotten worse.
Guy: Oh, I DID lock the door.
Me: Don't you love it when you outsmart yourself?
Guy: Yeah. Well done, past me. I underestimated you.
Creative 4 Christ 