The Book of Quotes: Winter 2020 Part 2

Guy: I’m still a little sick. You want a hug?

Me: No thanks.

Woman: I’m hugging you with my brain.


Me: There’s the guy who reminds me of someone but I don’t know who.

Minutes later

Wife: Oh I see what you’re saying.

Me: Yeah? Do you see who he reminds you of?

Wife: No. What?

Me: Wait. What were you talking about?

Wife…I don’t know.


Woman: This just means I need silence.

Me: As he plays the drums behind you.

Woman: It’s not even the drums. I just need to be in a room without other people’s heartbeats.

Me: Who are you? Superman?


Me: We’re not pregnant.

Dad: What do you mean “we’re” not pregnant? SHE’s not pregnant.


Woman: Our friend’s daughter is in a middle school play this weekend.

Me: Ahhh. I can’t come. I’m preaching at a retreat.

Woman: I wish you were more committed, Emmanuel.


Wife: You do this thing sometimes where you raise your voice. I’m gonna need you to stop.


Wife: Sorry. I’m hyper and disrespectful because my friends are here.

Me: How old are you?


Me: You should come to the caf. There are really good burgers tonight.

Woman: Hmmmm. Believing that is the hardest faith moment I’ve ever been through.


Me: I wanna walk up to a random student and take a fry just for fun.

2 minutes later

Black student: Yo what are you doing?!

Me: Sorry. I was just telling my wife I wanna take a fry from a random student.

Black student: Not from a black student!


Man: Do you mind if I add “featured in The Books of Quotes multiple times” to my resume?


Guy: How do you respond to people saying ‘How do you support Tom Brady with things like deflate gate?’

Me: Depends on who it is. If they’re a Trump supporter that’s easy.


Drops trash in woman’s cup

Woman: So now I’m a trashman?

Me: First of all you’d be a trashwoman.

Woman: Why can’t I be a trashman? Nobody asked me for my pronouns.


Guy: That could be eraser shavings or it could be rat poo. And since I’m from queens I know that’s dangerous.


Woman: You’re gonna relish these 3 weeks that I’ll be older than you. I’m sure you have plenty of jokes ready for me.

Guy: No. I don’t make fun of old people.


Woman #1: How do we know that owls are wise?

Woman #2: Have you watched Winnie the Pooh?


Guy: People were roasting me for not knowing where Oklahoma was.

Me: You should’ve asked them if they knew where South Dakota is.

Wife: I know where South Dakota is.

Me: Where?

Wife: Under North Dakota.


Woman: It’s almost 10 p.m. and I just got sad because I realized I may not be in the Book of Quotes.

Me: No. Trust me. You will.

Woman: Amen. That’s how I know God loves me.


Woman: The tea isn’t as bad as I thought.

Me: Cuz you put sugar in it.

Woman: Oh. Right.


Guy: At least you didn’t get stuck playing Dungeons and Dragons.

Woman: I would’ve rather been the Dungeon Master.

Guy: The fact that you know what that is is disturbing.


Me: You know what? I’m gonna mind my business.

Woman: That’s smart.


Me: There needs to be an American virus so the rest of the world can get treated the way we’re treating people now.

Asian woman: Like Racism?


Me: For April people who recover from corona need to get superpowers. That needs to be the silver lining we get.

Woman #1: Right!

Me: At the very least people need to get tails.

Woman #1: What?

Me: Think of the possibilities.

Woman #1: Please. Explain.

Me: Fashion. You can have a tail tie, a little tail necklace—a tail-lace. You can have a hole in your dress for it to come out or you can let it come down the side through a slit. As a guy I could put a ring on it, I could dip it in water then stick it in my wife’s ear for a tail willie. And I could hang from things.

Woman #1: Hanging would be cool.

Woman #2: Yeah now we’re on board.

Me: I should’ve led with that.


Child: Isn’t Song of Solomon a Psalm about boobs?

Dad: Looks like I have some discipling to do.


Me: How’s the baby?

New father: I’m pretty sure she’s the best baby ever. I mean, we’ve hung out with other babies and…they suck.


Me: I just don’t understand the toilet paper shortage.

Woman: If you’re quarantined for 2 weeks you won’t be able to go out and buy more toilet paper.

Me: But 2 packs? What are you eating? Just milk and cheese? Are you sitting on the toilet for 14 days straight?

Guy: That’s what I’m gonna do. Naked quarantine.


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