Me: I used to want to follow fire trucks when they drove by so I could see the fire. Is that weird? Or bad?
Wife: It’s not weird. But I do think it’s bad.Me: Maybe I should ask our friend. She’s a firefighter.
Wife: But she likes seeing fires because it gives her more experience on how to handle them. You’re just sick.
Woman: How was your day?
Guy: Breathed. Farted once or twice.
Guy: That made me a better driver because previously I had broken the mirror on the truck. So I had to drive with no side mirror. In the rain.
Girlfriend: You keep gloating about that. My father will not allow me to walk down the aisle with you knowing that. So keep that between us.
Guy #1: I’m not gonna lie. That jacket combo…that’s on point. Lookin like a Hillsong preacher.
Guy #2: Yes. What a beautiful name it is.
Woman: I don’t think cold temperature was God’s intention. He made Adam and Eve naked.
Guy: You don’t know how hairy they were.
Woman: But still cold is not God’s design.
Guy: So why is Hell hot? Because God is not there!
Woman: I love oat milk.
Me: I’m wondering how they milk the oats.
Guy: Tiny fingers, dude.
Guy: I kinda hope I die before you do. So I can greet you at the pearly gates with a parka and a scarf.
Woman: Oh man. I hate people with integrity.
Woman: It took me 2 hours to get somewhere that should’ve taken an hour. And it was in Jersey so you make one wrong turn and you’re done. That’s why people live there. They get lost and say, “You know what? Let’s just buy a house.”
Woman: I’m sorry. Emmanuel just grossed me out.
Me: What? It was on my jeans!
Woman: I don’t care where it was! You don’t eat off your body! I’m gonna need you to not do that.
Me: Is it raining outside?
Woman: No. I just jumped in the Hudson.
Woman: I don’t like cochito. It’s too thick.
Me: What?! Thick? If this was a woman it’d be…
Woman: Watch it.
Me: At this point you’ve already been rejected by 2 people so it’s not gonna be anything new.
Woman: Wow that was encouraging. Thanks. I really needed that. Forgot who I was for a second.
Woman: Is it wrong to tell someone you think they’re cool but you don’t want to be friends with them?
Me: No. It’s like if I’m fine with you hugging me but I don’t want him to hug me because I get a bad vibe from him.
Guy: First of all my hugs are magical so that would never be the case.
Guy: You thought you were dying so you’re not eating cheese?
Woman #1: The ribbon fell off the tree.
Woman #2: Emmanuel fix it.
Me: Well you’re the one who put it on so you’re more qualified to do it.
Woman #2: There’s a hook on it and you have to put the hook back.
Woman #1: But you’re the hooker so…that came out weird.
Me: Welcome to my world.
Guy #1: We can play jenga.
Guy #2: This one?
Guy #2: That’s truth or dare jenga. My wife and I play that one.
Woman: Why did you take it there?
Me: No one else was thinking that?
Guy: I used my phrase. Do I get a prize?
Woman: You do. What was your phrase?
Guy: “A bowl of jelly.”
Guy: You wanna see it? I can show you “a bowl of jelly”…that sounded weird.
Me: Rudolph needs a rap album.
Guy: And a rap name. Little Red Ridin’ in the Hood.
Me: That’s good!
Woman: Don’t make him think he’s funny.
Woman: Do you have plans tonight? Never mind. I have plans tonight.
Woman #1: What’s your password?
Woman #2: MYOB.
Woman: Did I just fart on your papers?
Teacher: Great. Now all the kids are gonna get pink eye.
Woman: My pinterest is broken which means my life is broken.
Woman #1: My mom’s a champion. I wanna get her an actual Christmas present this year. But she’s a mom and I don’t know what to get moms. I usually get her house supplies. Like one time I got her a doorknob.
Woman #2: What?
Woman #1: I wish I was joking.
Woman #2: I believe you. You held my hand and everything to tell me that.
Woman: I’m in love with the amount of racism in this one. Really great. Keep up the good work. 10/10 recommend.
Woman: People are gonna ask “What did you guys talk about?” Feet and genitals.
Me(through text): Heres a snapshot of an article about what I was talking about: “…the brain areas associated with feet and genitalia are adjacent in the brain body image map. But no one else put 2 and 2 together and realized that foot fetishes could possibly arise from cross wiring in the brain between the foot and genital parts.”
Woman: Bro you sent this to the entire team.
Woman: Lemme live vicariously through your instagram because I’m fasting.
Me: How old is she?
Me: We took her to a dog park and she wasn’t interacting with the other dogs at all.
Guy: Bro she’s old. That’s like taking an elderly person to the club.
Woman: You hear that, Iza-Selene-who is she?
Woman: You need a separate book of racism quotes.
Me: I’m feeling the draining in my stomach.
Me: Lemme rephrase that. I’m drained. And I can feel it in my stomach. I’m not feeling liquid oozing…
Woman: Out of your belly button.
Wife: Can you imagine if Trump gets elected again? We should buy an island and live on it. We all have a special skillset. Manny can do parkour and climb up and get us some mangos and coconuts.
Husband: I could teach us self defense to fight rival islands.
Wife: And we could reproduce…we could reproduce a lot.
Me: What kind of food do you think will be in heaven?
Guy: Bacon trees.
Guy: Because there’ll be no death so no animals will die. So there’ll be trees that grow bacon.
Woman: So don’t worry guys there WILL be bacon!
Me: I wonder what Throwback Thursdays is in Spanish. Do they not have throwbacks? Or maybe it’s Memory Mondays.
Woman: Could you just sit silently?
Woman: If my baby doesn’t look like Yoda I don’t want him.
Woman #1: I’m gonna need help writing this.
Woman #2: You’ve got me the sensitive one. You’ve got him the articulate one. And you’ve got her.
Woman #3: You’re rude.
Woman: I ate so much I need to go shop just so I can walk around.
Woman #1: Why do I smell like baby?
Woman #2: Like good baby?
Woman #1: Like a baby who just peed itself.
Guy: A guy posted something on facebook of him attempting to do things he used to do when he was younger with ease. He had a case of that Chinese syndrome: Young No Mo.
Listening to Dolly Partin’s “Island in the Stream”
Me: Black people took this song too? If cultural appropriation is when white people take our stuff what’s it called when black people take white people’s stuff?
Black woman: Justice.
Me: It’s crazy how 20 years ago Robert downey Jr. was homeless, an addict, and going to jail and now he’s Iron Man.
Woman: Yeah. And he used to be a child star. Now he’s an adult star.
Me: No. That’s different.
Woman: That eye roll was crazy.
Woman: It wasn’t a compliment.
Woman #1: I’m getting the free trial.
Woman #2: Why?
Woman #1: The trial comes before the charge. Amen.
Man #1(talking about baby): He never did this before but when she came home he gave her an open mouth kiss.
Woman: Thats why I like the He Loves Us version with “a sloppy wet kiss”. Because that’s how babies kiss and it’s unashamed.
Man #2: See the sexual connotations of that line always threw me off.
Me: That’s the reason I like it.
Woman: And you have taken this conversation far left.
Man #2: And maybe that’s just me working on my homophobia.
Woman #1: Yo! I wanna punch you in the chest and say thank you.
Woman #2: That’s odd.