The Book of Quotes: Fall 2019 Part 1

Man: Confession Time. Every time I don’t make it to the Book of Quotes I get disappointed in myself. I really need to step my game up.


Woman:  I confess, sometimes I stay home at night and try to come up with a quote that I think could make it in the book.


Me: She was old, but that kind of old where she still had a lot of energy somehow.

Woman: Like Ellen? Ellen is like 80 and still out here doing game shows. Go to bed!


Me: Is that olive oil?

Wife: Yeah. I just used it on my hair.

Me: Funny story. Remember the other day when you said my hair smelled bad? It turns out I had taken the left over oil I’d used to fry the chicken and put it back in the bottle then used that oil on my hair.

Wife: I just put that in my hair! I’m gonna beat you!


Me: I’m sorry to bother you.

Woman: No you’re not.


Woman: It’s depressing that 31-year-olds are a decade younger than us.

Guy: Wasn’t that a show?

Millennial #1: There’s a lot of shows with 30 in the title.

Guy: No it was actually called “30 Something”.

Millennial #1: Oh wow.

Guy: Awww. Millennials. You’re so cute.

Millennial #1: Wait, were you thinking the same thing?

Millennial #2: Yeah.


Me: How long is the meeting gonna be?

Guy: Dos gatos.

Me: Two cats?

Guy: That’s what I say when there’s two of something. But it hasn’t caught on as much as it did in Michigan.


Woman: Yours is the blue one.

Me: That’s blue?

Woman: Well…turquoise. Emmanuel got married and now he understands colors.


Woman #1: Nobody knew it’s her birthday. She’s a whole 9.

Me: What don’t you guys understand? 9’s don’t advertise our birthdays because we got taught at a young age that we don’t matter.

Woman #2: No. 9 lives matter!

Woman #1: Cats?


Me: Who’s your favorite pokemon?

8 year old: Mewtwo.

Me: Me too!

8 year-old: I got a Mew card. Mew is like baby Mewtwo.

Me: I like Mew too…I mean…I like Mew as well.


Woman: Owwwww! You know when you’vre been working out and you get up?

Me: You’ve been working out?

Woman: No. Just working.


Guy: I think the best personality tests are the Enneagram, Myers Briggs, and “What friends character are you?”


Me: J Lo wrote a book called True Love?

Guy: I know right? What does she know about love?

Me: She knows that love don’t cost a thing.


Me: Did the Dora movie come out?

Black woman: I don’t know.

Me(To Puerto Rican Woman): Did the Dora movie come out?

Black woman: That’s racist.

Me: No. It’s because she’s a babysitter.



Puerto Rican woman: Yeah it came out.


Black woman: I saw a pirate ship in real life. It was the winter and we were at the beach.

Guy: Wait. Why were you at the beach in the winter?

Black woman: Don’t talk about me and my white friends.


Student: Emmanuel, can I ask you a question?

Me: Sure.

Student: Why are your elbows so ashy?


Black woman: I’m gonna be you for Halloween.

Puerto Rican woman: That’s racist.

Black woman: No! That’s not what I meant!


Woman: You’re pretty alive for someone who’s usually dead.



Me: What else did you need?

Wife: Hair stuff.

Me: You know where it is?

Wife: Yeah. Through the shoe section.

Me: Ok…are you sure…? I don’t know why I believed you.


Me: Did you change your shirt?

Guy: Yeah. I realized the other guys on the team were wearing their team shirt so I changed it. I figured no one would notice. Except for Emmanuel.


Student #1: He’s always on the computer.

Student #2: I’m doing homework.

Student #1: I didn’t know we had a League of Legends class.


Guy(to other guy): If you do that again, I will kiss you right here.


Guy: I feel like you wanna do parkour right now.

Me: No. You’re feeling me wrong…lemme rephrase that.


Woman: What time is your class?

Me: 6.

Woman: Do you want me to bring your food to you?

Me: Awwww. You would do that?

Woman: Not if you’re gonna be so dramatic about it.


Me: I like your hair now…let me rephrase that.


Wife(sees picture of herself on husband’s phone): Awww you love me.

Woman: It wasn’t the ring or the marriage. It was the fact that you changed your wallpaper.


Woman #1(coughing): Is this contagious?

Woman #2: Choking?

Woman #1: I can’t talk while I’m eating this.

Me: Well, you shouldn’t be talking and eating to begin with.

Woman #1: I’m gonna get you.


(Seeing plastic glove on ground)

Guy: Oh, look a free glove.

Me: I thought that was a condom.

Guy: A five-headed condom.


Woman: I don’t like milk. But I like milk products.

Me: Yeah. Like cultural appropriation.


Guy #1: I can’t say the word…’block’ for some reason. I don’t know if that’s a brain issue.

Guy #2: Don’t go on WebMd. If you can’t say the word ‘block’, you have polio.


Pastor: Vulgarity never gets old. I’ve enjoyed it my whole life.


Jamaican woman: We have jerk chicken, jerk pork…

Student: There’s jerk pork?

Me: Yeah. You can jerk a lot of things…I’m sorry. C’mon guys, get your mind out of the gutter.


Spaniard student: Food in Spain is different.

Me: How? The spices?

Spaniard student: No.

Me: Oh right. There’s no spices. That’s why Columbus left.

Class: WHOA!!!

Me: Wait. Too soon. Indigenous People’s Day was last week.



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