Man: Confession Time. Every time I don’t make it to the Book of Quotes I get disappointed in myself. I really need to step my game up.
Woman: I confess, sometimes I stay home at night and try to come up with a quote that I think could make it in the book.
Me: She was old, but that kind of old where she still had a lot of energy somehow.
Woman: Like Ellen? Ellen is like 80 and still out here doing game shows. Go to bed!
Me: Is that olive oil?
Wife: Yeah. I just used it on my hair.
Me: Funny story. Remember the other day when you said my hair smelled bad? It turns out I had taken the left over oil I’d used to fry the chicken and put it back in the bottle then used that oil on my hair.
Wife: I just put that in my hair! I’m gonna beat you!
Me: I’m sorry to bother you.
Woman: No you’re not.
Woman: It’s depressing that 31-year-olds are a decade younger than us.
Guy: Wasn’t that a show?
Millennial #1: There’s a lot of shows with 30 in the title.
Guy: No it was actually called “30 Something”.
Millennial #1: Oh wow.
Guy: Awww. Millennials. You’re so cute.
Millennial #1: Wait, were you thinking the same thing?
Millennial #2: Yeah.
Me: How long is the meeting gonna be?
Guy: Dos gatos.
Me: Two cats?
Guy: That’s what I say when there’s two of something. But it hasn’t caught on as much as it did in Michigan.
Woman: Yours is the blue one.
Me: That’s blue?
Woman: Well…turquoise. Emmanuel got married and now he understands colors.
Woman #1: Nobody knew it’s her birthday. She’s a whole 9.
Me: What don’t you guys understand? 9’s don’t advertise our birthdays because we got taught at a young age that we don’t matter.
Woman #2: No. 9 lives matter!
Woman #1: Cats?
Me: Who’s your favorite pokemon?
8 year old: Mewtwo.
Me: Me too!
8 year-old: I got a Mew card. Mew is like baby Mewtwo.
Me: I like Mew too…I mean…I like Mew as well.
Woman: Owwwww! You know when you’vre been working out and you get up?
Me: You’ve been working out?
Woman: No. Just working.
Guy: I think the best personality tests are the Enneagram, Myers Briggs, and “What friends character are you?”
Me: J Lo wrote a book called True Love?
Guy: I know right? What does she know about love?
Me: She knows that love don’t cost a thing.
Me: Did the Dora movie come out?
Black woman: I don’t know.
Me(To Puerto Rican Woman): Did the Dora movie come out?
Black woman: That’s racist.
Me: No. It’s because she’s a babysitter.
Puerto Rican woman: YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE AN ANSWER THOUGH BECAUSE I’M NOT GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE THAT FLIPS OUT FOR NO REASON!!!
Puerto Rican woman: Yeah it came out.
Black woman: I saw a pirate ship in real life. It was the winter and we were at the beach.
Guy: Wait. Why were you at the beach in the winter?
Black woman: Don’t talk about me and my white friends.
Student: Emmanuel, can I ask you a question?
Student: Why are your elbows so ashy?
Black woman: I’m gonna be you for Halloween.
Puerto Rican woman: That’s racist.
Black woman: No! That’s not what I meant!
Woman: You’re pretty alive for someone who’s usually dead.
Me: What else did you need?
Wife: Hair stuff.
Me: You know where it is?
Wife: Yeah. Through the shoe section.
Me: Ok…are you sure…? I don’t know why I believed you.
Me: Did you change your shirt?
Guy: Yeah. I realized the other guys on the team were wearing their team shirt so I changed it. I figured no one would notice. Except for Emmanuel.
Student #1: He’s always on the computer.
Student #2: I’m doing homework.
Student #1: I didn’t know we had a League of Legends class.
Guy(to other guy): If you do that again, I will kiss you right here.
Guy: I feel like you wanna do parkour right now.
Me: No. You’re feeling me wrong…lemme rephrase that.
Woman: What time is your class?
Woman: Do you want me to bring your food to you?
Me: Awwww. You would do that?
Woman: Not if you’re gonna be so dramatic about it.
Me: I like your hair now…let me rephrase that.
Wife(sees picture of herself on husband’s phone): Awww you love me.
Woman: It wasn’t the ring or the marriage. It was the fact that you changed your wallpaper.
Woman #1(coughing): Is this contagious?
Woman #2: Choking?
Woman #1: I can’t talk while I’m eating this.
Me: Well, you shouldn’t be talking and eating to begin with.
Woman #1: I’m gonna get you.
(Seeing plastic glove on ground)
Guy: Oh, look a free glove.
Me: I thought that was a condom.
Guy: A five-headed condom.
Woman: I don’t like milk. But I like milk products.
Me: Yeah. Like cultural appropriation.
Guy #1: I can’t say the word…’block’ for some reason. I don’t know if that’s a brain issue.
Guy #2: Don’t go on WebMd. If you can’t say the word ‘block’, you have polio.
Pastor: Vulgarity never gets old. I’ve enjoyed it my whole life.
Jamaican woman: We have jerk chicken, jerk pork…
Student: There’s jerk pork?
Me: Yeah. You can jerk a lot of things…I’m sorry. C’mon guys, get your mind out of the gutter.
Spaniard student: Food in Spain is different.
Me: How? The spices?
Spaniard student: No.
Me: Oh right. There’s no spices. That’s why Columbus left.
Me: Wait. Too soon. Indigenous People’s Day was last week.