The Book of Quotes: Summer 2019 Part 2


Me: We’re gonna have to reschedule our hike. There’s a bear on the loose. Also it’s still wet from the rain. So we don’t want to get too wet or too dead.

Guy: True. Those are not desirable options.


Woman: Did you know the Bible app sends messages now? It texts me asking me how I feel. I’m like “Awww thanks Bible app you know I’m single. I don’t got nobody asking me how I feel.”


Black woman: We need you to get yourself a rich white man so we can do white people things.

White woman: Why don’t we just start making white people money and do white people things?


Me: An Asian guy told me he has a theory that black people use cash app and white people use venmo.

Black guy: I was about to disprove you then realized I have cash app.


Me: Your face looks beat.

Wife: No it doesn’t. It just looks nice.

Me: Well beat is better than nice.

Wife: But it can’t be beat because I don’t have makeup on.

Me: But it looks like you do. I’m trying to compliment you.

Wife: It’s not working.


Woman: Can you do it instead? I’m gonna get scared and then I’m gonna fart.


Woman: You leave me on read in person.


Colorado woman: You want some chips?

Colorado man: I gave that up for Lent.

Me: It’s August. Is Lent different in Colorado?

Colorado woman: It’s the marijauna.


Man: If pizza was worship music, Tarantella’s would be the Gospel singer hitting the twittly toos high notes. Amici’s is the worship leader who’s a really strong tenor. They keep it simple, they’re consistent, and the presence of God falls.


Colorado woman: How’s the pizza?

New Yorker: If it was America’s Got Talent, it wouldn’t get the golden buzzer, but it would get 3 out of 4 yeses. The point is it would make it to the next round. But after that I can’t promise it’ll go far.


At youth camp

Woman: They got married last month. They’re in the honeymoon phase.

Older woman: So that’s why I couldn’t sleep last night.

Woman: We’re at youth camp!

Me: They were worshiping. Making a joyful noise.


Me: Do you speak Tagalog?

Philipino man: A little. Just some words and how to count to three. Isa…dalawa…ummm…how to count to two.


Woman: Hey Siri, what’s an earwig?

Siri: Earwigs make up the insect order Dermaptera.

Woman: What the heck is an insect order? Sounds like the Illuminati.


Me: You don’t want me to be great.

Wife: I don’t want you to have dumb dreams.


After guy talks to a woman

Woman: Is she grabbable?

Guy: She’s married.

Me: So that’s a hard no.

Guy: That’s a Jesus no.


Woman: I’m gonna put my foot in your butthole.


Guy: I don’t support your brutality and sexual exploitation of sunflowers.

Me: I was dancing with it.

Guy: That’s what they all say. You need to pray more.


Me: If you could be any other ethnicity, what would it be?

White man: Asian.

Asian woman: What?! Why?!


Woman: I heard you were like the campus champlain.

Me: Champlain?

Woman: Like champion and chaplain. It sounds cool. You’re welcome.


Me: Where are you from?

Guy #1: Georgia.

Me: Yeah? I have cousins in Georgia.

Guy #1: Where? Tbilisi?

Me: No. Lawrenceville.

Guy #1: Oh. I’m from the Republic of Georgia.

Guy #2: You gotta lead with that next time.


Me: Were you laughing?

Wife: No. I was choking.

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