The Book of Quotes (Summer 2019)

Guy: How old are you?

Me: Guess.

Guy: 29.

Me: Wow. You’re one of the first people to guess it on the first try.

Guy: I had a feeling you were on the cusp of 30.

Guy #2: On the cusp of never being at your prime again.


Woman: I asked him to help me cook and he was just playing with the meat balls. I feel like guys just play in the kitchen.

Me: Well, if you give us balls to play with, we’ll play with them.

Woman: What?

Me: Well, if you think about it like that of course it’s gonna sound bad.


Me: “Tender”. Is that like a Christian tinder?

Woman: Did you just call me a chicken tender?


Woman: I was driving by and I saw you and I was like, “Emmanuel looks like he’s having a really deep, passionate time…I’m gonna ruin it.”


Me: I’ve always wanted someone to give me an excuse to unleash the sociopath in me.

Wife: That’s the mark of an actual sociopath.


Woman(singing): He touched me…

Guy: That song is a grief journal.


Guy #1: She said she’s gonna fart. So I said, “Let the cheeks ring.” That should make it in a spoken word. It would definitely make it in a Cardi B song.

Guy #2: I don’t know if that’s the mark of a good song.


Woman #1: Can I have some shasta?

Me: Isn’t that a German curse?

Woman #2: No. It’s scheisse. I just said a swear. Living dangerously.


Me: You’re on facebook right?

Woman: I use it for stalking purposes.


Woman: I never had a cabbage patch doll.

Woman: You were blessed. You don’t need that in your life.


Me: I like to bake. But I don’t know if this is my fault or not, but I have a problem with measuring.

Woman: Yeah, that’s your fault.


Me: It’s just like Incredibles when…

Woman: I didn’t see it.

Guy: Say you’re sorry.


Mom: When I was pregnant with Emmanuel, I was 200 lbs.

Me: I don’t remember that.


Preacher: The Bible says to honor your parents and that it’s the first commandment with a promise–long life.

Woman: I’m gonna die young.


Guy #1: I have PTSD from that failed dap.

Me: I get the same thing. Especially in a hyper black environment.

Guy #2: What’s a hyper black environment?

Me: A barber shop…or jail.

Asian man: See, that’s something that I can’t say.


Wife: This is spicy chicken.

Me: Are you sure? Lemme try.

Wife: No.

Me: I just wanna confirm. You know two mouths are…

Guy: Finish that. Two mouths are what?


Movie: He’s like a sexy Italian fly and you’re like an old meatball in an alley.

Woman: Why did this speak to me?


Woman: I’ll never forget the first time she told me I was prophetic and I was too afraid to tell her that I didn’t know what that means.



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