My Life is Awkward: Elementary School


First grade

One day at my parents’ job, myself, my crush, and a group of mutual friends were put in timeout in the same room for being too rambunctious. While my crush was trying to hatch an escape plan, I took everyone’s shoes and gathered them in a circle in the middle of the room. When she asked me what I was doing, I replied, “The next time the adults check on us, they’ll see the shoes and think we’re crazy and stop checking.” She replied, “I don’t think that’s gonna work.” To this day, I’m not sure what I was thinking.

I once got in trouble for discovering the word “dick”.  No one told me what it meant, but I promised never to say it again. Shortly thereafter, I was called on in class to read a paragraph about a boy named Dick.

One day, I accidentally wore Sonic the Hedgehog slippers to school. My teacher walked up to me and on her way she said, “Those are really nice shoes!” Then she reached me, got a closer look, and said, “Oh. Never mind.”

I had a crush on my best friend’s sister who was around 13 at the time. I also had a pathological fear of bathing because I was afraid of getting soap in my eyes. One night I slept over his house and I was so afraid to take a bath that his mother had to bathe me to calm me down. And his sister came and helped.

Second grade

I once discovered a bee in the boys bathroom with a group of third graders. After about ten minutes of fascination, the third graders made the logical decision to go back to class. I stayed behind until half an hour later my classmate was sent to find me. I then had to explain to the class what I had been doing in the bathroom this entire time.

Every morning before class started, my teacher would take prayer requests and have volunteers pray. One day my prayer request was for God to get rid of the roaches in my house. A few days later, when my mom picked me up from school, my teacher asked her for an update on our roach problem. My mother politely denied any knowledge of the infestation.

Third grade

In an attempt to impress my teacher, I read my entire Science textbook cover to cover. When I told her, she replied in an unimpressed tone, “Wow. You must be a science whiz now.” then went back to doing whatever she was doing.

One day, a group of kids were teasing me for smelling so bad. Presumably because I had just become a science whiz, the only response I could think of was, “I bet you don’t know the name of the third planet from the Sun.” They did not. Neither did they care.

In third grade, I was the main character of a television show that would film my day from beginning to end. I would make witty commentary to the camera about what was going on that day and the audience loved it. Except for my teacher. Who realized the show wasn’t real.

Fourth grade

In fourth grade, I had a very specific OCD tick, where I would repeatedly say the phrase, “Dear Heavenly Father” until it “felt right” and I would stop and move on. Whenever this would happen in class, I would refrain from saying it out loud and quietly hum it instead. One day my teacher got aggravated and demanded whoever was humming to stop. But a minute after her rant I had the urge and I did it again.

One day, I was standing in line behind my best friend. In an inexplicable momentary lapse of sanity, I thought that he was my 3-year-old brother and proceeded to nibble on his shoulder. For reasons unbeknownst to me, he never noticed and I snapped out of it and moved on like nothing happened.

I once touched an outlet after washing my hands and got shocked. A few days later, my teacher spoke about electricity in class and, hoping to impress my super smart classmate, I leaned over and whispered to her, “Never touch an outlet with wet hands. You’ll get shocked.” But instead of “an outlet”, I said “metal”.

Fifth grade

One day in class, my teacher was trying to teach us the word “plumage” and no one could guess what it meant. She called on me and said she had full confidence that I would know the definition because I was a writer and so creative. I had never heard the word before that day.

My teacher recommended I do my book report on The Giver and said that I would love it. I read a few chapters and got bored then fluffed my way through the report. When I handed it in, she told me that I obviously didn’t finish the book and gave me a low grade. Years later, I read the book in college and loved it.

In fifth grade, our desks were set up such that we essentially had partners that sat extremely close to us. I was sitting next to my crush on this day. I raised my hand for a question I knew the answer to, but the teacher called on someone else instead. In my frustration, I slapped my thigh as hard as I could. But I quickly discovered that I’d slapped my crush’s thigh instead.

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