My Life is Awkward


One day I stopped by my friend’s office at her job as I usually do and asked her coworkers if she was there. And then I remembered that she’d just quit.

I once walked up to a classmate I had never spoken to and congratulated him on his wife being pregnant. He promptly informed me that his wife was not pregnant.

I was tickling a baby’s foot while his mother was holding him on her hip. The baby yanked his foot back at just the right millisecond and I ended up tickling his mother’s butt.

I saw my 12-year-old neighbor at my brother’s basketball game and went up to her and hugged her. Then I told her I’d found out she had a crush on my cousin David. She said, “Who’s David?” And I realized she wasn’t my neighbor.

One day when I was in sixth grade, I forgot my gym shirt in the boys locker room. When I went to get it after school, the girls soccer team was using both the girls and boys locker rooms to change. I asked the coach if the coast was clear for me to grab my shirt. She said yes and I walked in. The coast was not clear. My crush was inside.

When I was six years old, I told a friend that I had a crush on these twins at a birthday party we were at. He promptly walked up to them and told them I liked them. I burst into tears and they walked over to console me. I vehemently denied it behind my tears. I found out later they were my cousins.

When I was in high school, my crush told me that she loved the movie 28 Days Later. So I rented it one day and watched it so I could talk to her. The next time we spoke I found out it was actually 28 Weeks Later.

In high school, my friend Lawrence tried to explain to our Physics teacher why he was late to class. I came to the rescue and announced that Lawrence was dreaming right now. The class went silent then the teacher proceeded to talk about Newton’s Laws of Motion. In my defense, we had been discussing Descartes philosophy of dreams the day before. No one remembered.

One day in fifth grade, my friend and I raced to my parents’ car after school. We accidentally bumped into the car next to us, but the old woman inside assured us it was okay. Minutes later, a family arrived with their daughter and the old woman immediately ratted us out. The daughter was my crush.

When I was six years old, my crush got into an argument with her mother and called her a dummy. Against all reason I intervened and assured her mother that my crush was speaking French and had actually said, “Dormi.” which means to sleep. Her mother thanked me then politely asked me to leave.

One day at a party with church friends, I went to the bathroom to pee. For some reason the bathroom could be seen from anywhere in the crowded living room. Midstream, my brother opened the door to announce that Kobe Bryant was on television. He left without shutting the door and I had to finish peeing before shutting it myself.

In sixth grade I went to give a friend a high five as his teacher was bent behind him to pick something up off the ground. He removed his hand at the last second and I ended up high fiving his teacher’s butt.

At my youth pastor’s wedding, I went to greet my crush with a kiss on the cheek. But I forgot that I was on a stage and fell directly on top of her. She denies this ever happened. But it has haunted me ever since.

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