The Book of Quotes: Winter 2019

Me: He looks like Mowgli.

Guy: I guess. The hair and the skin. Wait, you mean Jungle Book Mowgli?

Me: What other Mowgli is there? The rapper?


Sensei: Hadosi sa shina! I didn’t say anything in Japanese. But you thought I did because of anime.


(After work out)

Daughter: Now it smells like men. Disgusting.

Father: Smells like hard work to me.


Me: Is that an Android? Yep. The OnePlus6.

Guy: So…7?


Woman: This guy told me that when he was a kid the Hudson would get so cold that it would freeze and people would walk across. He was like 80.

Me: So this happened in like the 20s or 30s.

Guy: Before global warming really took place.


Woman: Why didn’t you make tea during your lunch break?

Me: I thought that going to the bathroom would help. That’s what I was doing the whole time.

Woman: Thank you. I wanted to know that. It really enriched my life.


Guy: I think I’m pretty cool. I’m not a mushroom. But I’m a fun guy.


Guy: Hi. My name’s Theophilus.

Me: Really? I’ve never met a Theophilus before. My name is Luke.

Wife: I can’t take you anywhere.


Guy: The plans fell through because of scheduling. They couldn’t do it bi-monthly.

Me: You mean bi-weekly.

Guy: Bi-weekly and bi-monthly are the same thing.

Me: What? I don’t get it.

Guy: Yes. So now—

Me: Wait. That means that there should be a bi-daily. That makes no sense.

Guy: I don’t wanna have this conversation with you! So you’re just gonna have to trust me.


Woman: You wanna hear something exciting that will make you wanna get up and hug me?


Woman: Apparently not.


Me: I got an iPhone. But it’s only temporary. If figured I’d go prodigal for a little while before coming back home.

iPhone user: You are home. You’ve been prodigal.


Guy: I realize that I perform better when I’m sitting on a stool. I might have to buy a foldable stool to bring with me to performances.

Me: Sounds good. You can be like, “I’m gonna drop these bars after I drop this stool.” Wait. That came out wrong.


Me: We should have a code word for when I’m being too annoying,

Wife: Stop. That’s the word.


Android user: You think racism is over. Then you hear people saying, “I don’t like green!”


Woman: So did he stand you up or did he cancel?

Guy #1: That’s a minor detail.

Guy #2: Yeah. It’s not like I didn’t send a text. Or apologize afterwards. It was snowing.

Guy #1: I understand that 7 Eleven slushy level snow is enough to stop you.

Guy #2: It’s funny cuz he already used that, but he had to use it again in front of people.


Guy #1: The guys who were here for the meeting are now gone. I hate when they do that. They tease us with success.

Me: That’s how girls feel about guys.

Guy #1: Not me. I’m here more than you want me to be.

Guy #2: Am I the girl?

Guy #1: We’re the surrogate mother in this relationship.

Me: This just took a weird turn.


Me: The caf reveals what’s inside of people.

Guy: So does 20 minutes in the bathroom.


Me: I want to have an adult version of the Book of Quotes.

Guy: You mean R-Rated? Because the fact that you said “adult” makes me wonder: “What are these quotes?”


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