(Driving through Jersey)
New Yorker: That’s a really nice sunset.
Me: God gave Jersey really nice sunsets.
New Yorker: Does the ball drop in Jersey?
New Yorker: But y’all still count down, right?
Me: You’re right. But the ball has light bulbs, right? And who invented those? Thomas Edison. Who’s from Jersey.
New Yorker: Do ya’ll have a bridge and a park?
Me: What do you mean?
New Yorker: See, that’s how you know you’re from Jersey.
Me: Oh because you guys have Brooklyn Bridge Park?
New Yorker: Exactly.
Me: You know what? It’s okay. No matter what, I will always love you. Who sings that again? Whitney. And where’s she from?
Jersey girl: Jersey!
Me: I will admit, though, you guys have a subway and we don’t. All we have is the Path.
New Yorker: Yeah. By the way, how often does the Path come? Every couple hours?
New Yorker: Yeah, I missed the Path one time and ya’ll had me sitting there for hours.
Me: You’re right. By the way, how’s your beaches?
New Yorker: …
Woman: I haven’t been a couch potato in a week. It’s time.
Girlfriend: You’re a booger.
Me: But you still picked me.
Girlfriend: I did.
Me: Did you get it? Cuz I’m a booger?
Girlfriend: Oh my gosh! I feel like I’m gonna die from how annoying you are.
Guy: Would you like some real tea? Or would you like to rent?
Me: Oh wow.
Woman: Okay. Get out of your reali-tea.
Woman #1: I was feeling it.
Woman #2: I was feeling it last night.
Woman #1: Wait. What are we feeling?
Guy: I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I’m not crazy.
Woman: Every time Emmanuel does something vaguely socially unacceptable, he says it’s a sermon illustration.
Woman: I want the FBI agent monitoring my laptop activity to fall in love with me.
Me: I told you about my fantasy about throwing water in my wife’s face?
Girlfriend: You probably told me a lot of sick things you wanna do.
Asian woman: Doesn’t he look like that guy from Fast and Furious?
Me: I don’t remember any Asians in that movie.
Asian woman: They were the bad guys. They were like half the movie. Wow. Way to completely overlook my people like all of history has already done.
Me: I remember them in Tokyo Drift.
Asian woman: We’re gonna pretend you didn’t say that.
Guy #1: I was farting for 18 straight days straight. I sat on a cushion. Farting. I think I did permanent damage to the cushion. You know what I mean?
Guy #2: No. I don’t.
Me; For my Bachelor party I wanna ride a motorcycle.
Me: The Bachelor party is supposed to be your last chance to do something that you know your wife won’t let you do when you’re married. You like dogs, but Dad doesn’t. So for your Bachelorette party you could’ve played with all the dogs you wanted.
Mom(to fiancé): Do you like dogs?
Mom: Do you like cats?
Mom(to me): Take a cat. Play with a cat.
Guy: I come from a church that believed you shouldn’t have premarital sex because it could lead to dancing.
Mom: Have you thought of where you wanna go for your honeymoon?
Me: It’d be nice to go to Costa Rica.
Mom: Just don’t go swinging on vines again.
Me: I won’t. Because I’ll already have the motorcycle thing.
Mom: No. You’re gonna have the cat thing.
Guy #1: Remember my Weird Combo Wednesdays? One guy told me the strangest combo to try. He had the audacity to tell me to try scrambled eggs and peanut butter.
Me: That’s good! And you put bacon on it too. And what if you added avocado? So you have hot AND cold.
Guy #2: That…sounds like…a bad…stomach problem.
Me: I mean, you guys had your honeymoon in your living room.
Me: With a bucket of paint.
Fiancé: Whoa. Too much information.
Mom: We used buckets of paint as chairs to sit on because we had no furniture.
Fiancé: Oh. I had a different image in mind.
Me: Sorry. I should’ve described that better.
Fiancé: Do you think I need this slimming tea?
Me: I don’t know how to answer that. I know that you want to get slimmer so based off of what you want, I would say yes.
Fiancé: But do you think I should get it?
Fiancé: Good answer. You passed the test…I’m still gonna get it.
Me: I know.
Woman: Does anyone need anything to drink before the ball drops?
Guy: No, I’m good. I’m gonna toast with my empty glass of oxygen.
Me: I frequently get myself in situations where it’s hard to explain myself and all I can say is stuff like, “I know what this looks like. But it’s not what you think.”
Guy: You’re like, “You’re probably wondering why I’m in your trunk. But this can easily be explained.”
Me: Or, “I know that sounded offensive.”
Guy: “But in my culture, it’s the highest honor.”
Woman #1: Do you remember that show we watched? With the people?
Me: Wow. There was no context.
Woman #2: That show we were watching. With the people? And we were sitting?
Guy: There’s a difference between the traditional church and the contemporary church, ala Risen King.
Me: “Allah” Risen King?
Guy: Sorry. Vis-a-vis.
Woman #1: What’d you say?
Woman #2: Sorry. I was talking to her, but looking at you.
Me: That’s not confusing at all.
Guy: That’s like rule #1 of communication.