The Book of Quotes: Summer 2017

Me: Would you ever have a food fight?

Girlfriend: Yes.

Me: With eggs and tomatoes?

Girlfriend: Yes.

Me(to Indian girl): Would you ever have a food fight?

Indian girl: Yes.

Me: With eggs and tomatoes?

Indian girl: No.

Me: With rice and curry?

Indian girl: Racist?

Me: No. I just…picked…another messy food. Never mind.

Girl #1: You didn’t go to prom?

Me: No.

Girl #1: We need to bring you to someone’s prom. Wait. Are you over 25?

Me: Yeah.

Girl #1: Then you can’t go to someone’s prom.

Me: Really?

Girl #1: That’s how it is in Queens. I don’t know how it is in other states.

Girl #2: Queens is a state, my friend?

Girl: I’m gonna dye my hair black tonight.

Me: Don’t you have a paper to write?

Girl: Right. I’m gonna dye my hair black tomorrow.

Me: I saw this video that made me think of you. It said highly intelligent people don’t like groups, are socially awkward, and find it difficult to fall in love.

Girl: Oh my gosh. Am I intelligent?

Woman: Would you like some peanuts?

Me: Yes, please! Fun fact: peanuts are high in protein, but won’t make you fat.

Woman: Do you think I’m trying to watch my weight?

Me: No. It was just a fun fact. I have a whole encyclopedia of them and I just spit them out randomly. Like, “Staples was founded in 1957.” It wasn’t, but that’s just an example. It’s just…never mind.

Guy: It’s that type of hot where you gotta take another shower after taking a shower because you got sweaty in the shower.

Me: I thought you were on a wedding diet.

Girlfriend: …

Me: What I meant to say was, “It’s awesome that you’re eating ice cream. I’m happy for you.”

Girlfriend: You wanna go home? Ya smell ya self.

Me: If brunch was a person, it would be that person who can’t decide if they wanna be in a relationship or just be friends. I’m sitting there like, “What are we doing here?”

Girl: You didn’t tell me you had a girlfriend! I’m not gonna tell you I’m married until my first child turns 5. You know what’s crazy? When you have a child, I’m gonna teach him how to ride a bike first. You can’t take that back.

Me: Who thinks of about saying stuff like that? You are a sick and twisted person.

Woman: Where is everyone?

Guy: I don’t know.

Woman: Text them and tell them to come at 10:30.

Guy: It’s 10:49.

Woman: Text them and tell them to come at 10:30. They’ll get the message.

Girlfriend: My ankles are ashy.

Me: They are. You look like you’re about to catch some pokémon with that Ash.

Girl: I’m trying to concentrate. Please don’t bother me for the rest of your lives.

Man: This is disgustingly healthy.

Guy: You ever hear your voice on the voicemail and you’re like, “Why do I have friends?”

Girl: Oh! My butt looks good. Jesus did it!

Me: I picked a flower for you.

Girlfriend: That’s a weed. But thank you for the sentiment.

Mom: Honey, look at this.

Columbian woman: Mira la obra de arte de tu mama!

Me: Que linda!

Mom: Who’s Linda?!

Girl: I got hit on by a 61-year-old man today. I’m like, there was never a point in your life when you were not too old for me. By the time I was born, you already had a credit history.

Girl: I just learned “balls to the wall”.

Me: I tried to come up with a girl version, but your body parts are hard to rhyme.

Girl: Boobs?

Me: Boobs to the moon.

Girl: No.

Me: Breasts to the test!

Girl: Yes! That’s it!

Me: I’m so proud of us.

Me: Is Nietzsche Russian or German?

Girl: Who?

Me: God is dead.

Girlfriend: What?!

Me: No. That’s what he said.

Girlfriend: I remember him now. For a second I was scared.

Me: What, you thought I was just blaspheming out of nowhere?

Girl: I thought it was just a random bout of blasphemy.

Me: Oh. An RBB?

Girl: I was here since the beginning.

Me: So you’re like the Word?

Girl: That’s actually…blasphemy.

Me: An RBB?

Mom: We’re not going to Cuba anymore.

Me: Why not?

Mom: Your father is afraid Trump might change his mind about the embargo and we’ll get stuck in Cuba for the rest of our lives.

Girl: I’m just gonna take credit for all of this.

Me: i don’t think that’s how it works.

Girl: The funny this is that’s exactly how it works.

Me: What flag is that green and white one?

Girl: Nigeria.

Me: Wow. Way to be cultured.

Girl: I only know that because my Nigerian friend was like, “Why are they carrying my flag?” Other than that, I would’ve been like, “Ummmm…Greenland?”

Girl: How’d you open the popsicle with your mouth?

Me: I grew up doing it.

Girl: I grew up cutting it with scissors.

Me: It was like a rite of passage for me. You didn’t become a boy until you could open a popsicle with your mouth.

Girl: I guess that’s why I can’t do it. I never became a boy.

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