Me: Would you ever have a food fight?
Me: With eggs and tomatoes?
Me(to Indian girl): Would you ever have a food fight?
Indian girl: Yes.
Me: With eggs and tomatoes?
Indian girl: No.
Me: With rice and curry?
Indian girl: Racist?
Me: No. I just…picked…another messy food. Never mind.
Girl #1: You didn’t go to prom?
Girl #1: We need to bring you to someone’s prom. Wait. Are you over 25?
Girl #1: Then you can’t go to someone’s prom.
Girl #1: That’s how it is in Queens. I don’t know how it is in other states.
Girl #2: Queens is a state, my friend?
Girl: I’m gonna dye my hair black tonight.
Me: Don’t you have a paper to write?
Girl: Right. I’m gonna dye my hair black tomorrow.
Me: I saw this video that made me think of you. It said highly intelligent people don’t like groups, are socially awkward, and find it difficult to fall in love.
Girl: Oh my gosh. Am I intelligent?
Woman: Would you like some peanuts?
Me: Yes, please! Fun fact: peanuts are high in protein, but won’t make you fat.
Woman: Do you think I’m trying to watch my weight?
Me: No. It was just a fun fact. I have a whole encyclopedia of them and I just spit them out randomly. Like, “Staples was founded in 1957.” It wasn’t, but that’s just an example. It’s just…never mind.
Guy: It’s that type of hot where you gotta take another shower after taking a shower because you got sweaty in the shower.
Me: I thought you were on a wedding diet.
Me: What I meant to say was, “It’s awesome that you’re eating ice cream. I’m happy for you.”
Girlfriend: You wanna go home? Ya smell ya self.
Me: If brunch was a person, it would be that person who can’t decide if they wanna be in a relationship or just be friends. I’m sitting there like, “What are we doing here?”
Girl: You didn’t tell me you had a girlfriend! I’m not gonna tell you I’m married until my first child turns 5. You know what’s crazy? When you have a child, I’m gonna teach him how to ride a bike first. You can’t take that back.
Me: Who thinks of about saying stuff like that? You are a sick and twisted person.
Woman: Where is everyone?
Guy: I don’t know.
Woman: Text them and tell them to come at 10:30.
Guy: It’s 10:49.
Woman: Text them and tell them to come at 10:30. They’ll get the message.
Girlfriend: My ankles are ashy.
Me: They are. You look like you’re about to catch some pokémon with that Ash.
Girl: I’m trying to concentrate. Please don’t bother me for the rest of your lives.
Man: This is disgustingly healthy.
Guy: You ever hear your voice on the voicemail and you’re like, “Why do I have friends?”
Girl: Oh! My butt looks good. Jesus did it!
Me: I picked a flower for you.
Girlfriend: That’s a weed. But thank you for the sentiment.
Mom: Honey, look at this.
Columbian woman: Mira la obra de arte de tu mama!
Me: Que linda!
Mom: Who’s Linda?!
Girl: I got hit on by a 61-year-old man today. I’m like, there was never a point in your life when you were not too old for me. By the time I was born, you already had a credit history.
Girl: I just learned “balls to the wall”.
Me: I tried to come up with a girl version, but your body parts are hard to rhyme.
Me: Boobs to the moon.
Me: Breasts to the test!
Girl: Yes! That’s it!
Me: I’m so proud of us.
Me: Is Nietzsche Russian or German?
Me: God is dead.
Me: No. That’s what he said.
Girlfriend: I remember him now. For a second I was scared.
Me: What, you thought I was just blaspheming out of nowhere?
Girl: I thought it was just a random bout of blasphemy.
Me: Oh. An RBB?
Girl: I was here since the beginning.
Me: So you’re like the Word?
Girl: That’s actually…blasphemy.
Me: An RBB?
Mom: We’re not going to Cuba anymore.
Me: Why not?
Mom: Your father is afraid Trump might change his mind about the embargo and we’ll get stuck in Cuba for the rest of our lives.
Girl: I’m just gonna take credit for all of this.
Me: i don’t think that’s how it works.
Girl: The funny this is that’s exactly how it works.
Me: What flag is that green and white one?
Me: Wow. Way to be cultured.
Girl: I only know that because my Nigerian friend was like, “Why are they carrying my flag?” Other than that, I would’ve been like, “Ummmm…Greenland?”
Girl: How’d you open the popsicle with your mouth?
Me: I grew up doing it.
Girl: I grew up cutting it with scissors.
Me: It was like a rite of passage for me. You didn’t become a boy until you could open a popsicle with your mouth.
Girl: I guess that’s why I can’t do it. I never became a boy.