The Book of Quotes Spring 2017: Part 1

 

Me: There was definitely a less provocative way of doing that.

Girl: Did I turn you on?

Me: Absolutely not.

Girl: Am I not visually appealing to you?

Me: No.

Girl: I hate you too.

Me: That’s going in the book.

Girl: Yes! I’ve been working on getting in since I got here!

 

Me: You smell good.

Girl: I showered.

Me: That will do it.

 

Girl: I don’t know you that well and I know I was eavesdropping. But did I just hear you say you wanna date Voldemort?

 

Me: I need to come up with a word to describe how I feel when a girl tells me she’s on her period. It’s a cross between “But why?” and “I’m flattered.”

 

Guy: I’m talking to this girl. But it’s 95% friends and 5%…

Me: Concentrated power and will?

Guy: I was 0% ready for that.

 

Me: If you’re good at something, don’t do it for free.

Guy: I learned that from the Joker. That’s why I started charging churches for me to play for them.

 

Me: Who is this?

Guy: Future.

Me: I don’t listen to future much. I like to stay in the present.

Girl: I like presents.

 

Guy #1: This Sun is crazy.

Me: I know. It’s drive by faith and not by sight.

Guy #2: Straight outta context! It’s the crazy motha luva Emmanuel!

 

Me: What do you think of the new Justice League trailer?

Guy: I think it looks fun, but it’s gonna be buns.

 

Girl: So do you announce when you put people in the book?

Me: Sometimes.

Girl: Cuz I’m sitting here waiting for my announcement.

 

Girl: And he smokes. My ovaries just burst.

Me: What does that mean?

Girl: Sorry. I forget you’re not a girl sometimes.

 

Guy: I’m excited for our double date. Our double d.

Me: Don’t say that. That has different connotations.

Guy: Like what? Double down?

Me: No. Cup size.

Guy: What? Your mind is…

Me: No. I’m black and I grew up listening to hip hop. “Ludacris fill cups like double d’s.” Ask any minority male about double d’s and they’ll say the same thing.

Guy: White people are into c breasts, I guess.

 

Girl: I found this fit and flare mini. And the fabric? It’s so beautiful.

Me: It’s like a baby unicorn’s butt on your face? No? I’ll just stop talking.

Girl: That would be wise.

 

Guy: That was a complex storyline though.

Me: What?

Guy: The Book of Quotes.

Me: It wasn’t a story. It was just random quotes.

Guy: What? I was reading it like a story and it was too long for me. I was like, “Is this some abstract poetry?”

 

Guy: I swear someone’s been using my pasta.

Me: What?
Guy: My bad. In Spanish, toothpaste is “pasta”.

 

Me: I realized I’ve been only hanging out with women so I started being intentional about being around guys.

Guy: Makes sense. If you ever wanna hang out and you need someone with a penis…

Me: Thank you.

 

Guy: It was one of those I sat on the toilet, flushed, wahsed my hands, opened the door, walked back in, sat on the toilet, and did it again. I was a freakin’ Mount Vesuvius pouring hot lava into the toilet. It was the most transcendental experience of my life. I didn’t know if I was going to Heaven or Hell, but I felt something hot.

 

Guy: Why do you have an E?

Me: One of my leaders went to London and got this keychain for me.

Guy: What does it stand for?

Me: Take a wild guess.

Guy: Everlasting?

 

Me: You’re an AC?

Guy: Yeah bro. Keeping things cool in the dorms.

 

Me: What kind of music do you like the most?

Guy: The free kind.

 

Me: You’re pretty young for an elder.

Elder: Don’t talk to your elders like that.

 

Girl: I love dew.

Me: Me too. Mountain?

 

Me: That is the question. To be or not to be.

Girl: To pee or not to pee. I already did.

Guy: Same. I’m on the same cycle.

Girl: Wait. You menstruate?

 

Guy: I’m sorry. I’m having trouble wading through those excuses.

 

Guy: I’m sure they’ll have nothing harder than fruit punch.

Me: Maybe kool aid.

Guy: I won’t be having that. Not at a Christian school. I’ve learned to never trust kool aid at religious events.

 

Woman #1: I’m glad I woke up.

Woman #2: I’m glad you woke up too. Otherwise you’d be dead.

 

Me: Did you read the Illiad?

Girl: No.

Me: Do you know anything about the Illiad?

Girl: I didn’t even know his name.

 

Girl #1: You wanna write my papers for me?

Girl #2: No.

Girl #1: It’s only 2 pages.

Girl #2: My head hurts.

Girl #1: I had that before. You know what helped me? This thing called reading and writing. Here, I have some papers you can do for me.

 

Me: Have you ever been to Pie Lady?

Guy #1: Once. For coffee.

Me: You went to Pie Lady for coffee and not for pie?

Guy #2: Or ladies?

 

Woman: Ok, I’m gonna go. Anyone who wants to hug me line up.

 

Girl: You look like you’d be a good athlete.

Guy: I am…

Girl: See?
Guy: …not. I ran out of breath saying that.

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