Me: There was definitely a less provocative way of doing that.
Girl: Did I turn you on?
Me: Absolutely not.
Girl: Am I not visually appealing to you?
Girl: I hate you too.
Me: That’s going in the book.
Girl: Yes! I’ve been working on getting in since I got here!
Me: You smell good.
Girl: I showered.
Me: That will do it.
Girl: I don’t know you that well and I know I was eavesdropping. But did I just hear you say you wanna date Voldemort?
Me: I need to come up with a word to describe how I feel when a girl tells me she’s on her period. It’s a cross between “But why?” and “I’m flattered.”
Guy: I’m talking to this girl. But it’s 95% friends and 5%…
Me: Concentrated power and will?
Guy: I was 0% ready for that.
Me: If you’re good at something, don’t do it for free.
Guy: I learned that from the Joker. That’s why I started charging churches for me to play for them.
Me: Who is this?
Me: I don’t listen to future much. I like to stay in the present.
Girl: I like presents.
Guy #1: This Sun is crazy.
Me: I know. It’s drive by faith and not by sight.
Guy #2: Straight outta context! It’s the crazy motha luva Emmanuel!
Me: What do you think of the new Justice League trailer?
Guy: I think it looks fun, but it’s gonna be buns.
Girl: So do you announce when you put people in the book?
Girl: Cuz I’m sitting here waiting for my announcement.
Girl: And he smokes. My ovaries just burst.
Me: What does that mean?
Girl: Sorry. I forget you’re not a girl sometimes.
Guy: I’m excited for our double date. Our double d.
Me: Don’t say that. That has different connotations.
Guy: Like what? Double down?
Me: No. Cup size.
Guy: What? Your mind is…
Me: No. I’m black and I grew up listening to hip hop. “Ludacris fill cups like double d’s.” Ask any minority male about double d’s and they’ll say the same thing.
Guy: White people are into c breasts, I guess.
Girl: I found this fit and flare mini. And the fabric? It’s so beautiful.
Me: It’s like a baby unicorn’s butt on your face? No? I’ll just stop talking.
Girl: That would be wise.
Guy: That was a complex storyline though.
Guy: The Book of Quotes.
Me: It wasn’t a story. It was just random quotes.
Guy: What? I was reading it like a story and it was too long for me. I was like, “Is this some abstract poetry?”
Guy: I swear someone’s been using my pasta.
Guy: My bad. In Spanish, toothpaste is “pasta”.
Me: I realized I’ve been only hanging out with women so I started being intentional about being around guys.
Guy: Makes sense. If you ever wanna hang out and you need someone with a penis…
Me: Thank you.
Guy: It was one of those I sat on the toilet, flushed, wahsed my hands, opened the door, walked back in, sat on the toilet, and did it again. I was a freakin’ Mount Vesuvius pouring hot lava into the toilet. It was the most transcendental experience of my life. I didn’t know if I was going to Heaven or Hell, but I felt something hot.
Guy: Why do you have an E?
Me: One of my leaders went to London and got this keychain for me.
Guy: What does it stand for?
Me: Take a wild guess.
Me: You’re an AC?
Guy: Yeah bro. Keeping things cool in the dorms.
Me: What kind of music do you like the most?
Guy: The free kind.
Me: You’re pretty young for an elder.
Elder: Don’t talk to your elders like that.
Girl: I love dew.
Me: Me too. Mountain?
Me: That is the question. To be or not to be.
Girl: To pee or not to pee. I already did.
Guy: Same. I’m on the same cycle.
Girl: Wait. You menstruate?
Guy: I’m sorry. I’m having trouble wading through those excuses.
Guy: I’m sure they’ll have nothing harder than fruit punch.
Me: Maybe kool aid.
Guy: I won’t be having that. Not at a Christian school. I’ve learned to never trust kool aid at religious events.
Woman #1: I’m glad I woke up.
Woman #2: I’m glad you woke up too. Otherwise you’d be dead.
Me: Did you read the Illiad?
Me: Do you know anything about the Illiad?
Girl: I didn’t even know his name.
Girl #1: You wanna write my papers for me?
Girl #2: No.
Girl #1: It’s only 2 pages.
Girl #2: My head hurts.
Girl #1: I had that before. You know what helped me? This thing called reading and writing. Here, I have some papers you can do for me.
Me: Have you ever been to Pie Lady?
Guy #1: Once. For coffee.
Me: You went to Pie Lady for coffee and not for pie?
Guy #2: Or ladies?
Woman: Ok, I’m gonna go. Anyone who wants to hug me line up.
Girl: You look like you’d be a good athlete.
Guy: I am…
Guy: …not. I ran out of breath saying that.