The Book of Quotes: Winter 2017 Part 2

 

Guy: Better safe than sued, you know?

 

Girl: It’s like 120 years old. Plus tax.

 

Guy: Nothing says come to Jesus like waking up on Valentine’s Day and seeing your ex outside the window in all her glory, smiling without a care in the world because she’s more emotionally healthy than I am.

 

Woman: I think sex is overrated. I don’t think it’s as great as people make it out to be.

Me: Hopefully I can prove you wrong…Let me rephrase that.

 

Guy: I’m just waiting for the Lord to reveal to me when is the right time to dunk on Emmanuel.

 

Guy: Don’t worry. I WILL make it inappropriate.

 

Guy: I can’t pray in tongues. Can you pray in tongues?

Woman #1: No.

Guy: Can you?

Me: No.

Guy: You?

Woman #2: No.

Guy: My gosh. We’re like the most unholy spiritual directors.

 

Guy#1: Why are your hands so sweaty?

Guy #2: It’s not sweat. It’s oil.

Guy #3: Have you been anointed recently or are you just gross?

 

Me: The Bible says not to answer a fool according to his folly.

Girl: I’m not talking to you anymore. You insulted me biblically. That’s the worst kind of insult.

 

Me: So BJ’s is bascially Costco’s little brother?

Guy: Or the thot sister.

Me: What?

Guy: I mean, it’s bj’s.

 

Me: We can crack open a case of Monster together.

Guy: Nice. You know how guys usually crack open a case of beer? We’ll do that with Monster.

Me: Cuz we’re saved.

Guy: Well…um…yeah. Sure.

 

Guy: You’re just going through the phase where something’s wrong with you.

 

Guy #1: Supposedly Monster is the Devil’s drink. So we’re all sinning right now.

Me: Well, that’s fine. As long as you prayed before you drank it.

Guy #2: Well, I didn’t. So I guess I opened a door. I’m done for.

Guy #1: Not if you give God the key to the door you opened.

Guy #2: I think something’s wrong with that theology.

 

Me: Are you going to the Latin Dance Night tonight?

Guy: What Latin Dance Night?

Me: People told me there’s a Latin Dance Night.

Guy: There’s a reggae night. They probably thought “Oh reggae. That’s like reggaeton. Latin Dance Night!” But that’s not how that works.

 

Me(taps woman’s shoulder): I’m so sorry! I thought you were a student.

Mother: From behind? I’ll take it.

 

Guy: Bruce Lee be like, “Be like water.” And water be like, “Nah. Be like Bruce Lee.”

 

Husband: I’m gonna be gone all spring break. So she’s going to spend all week staring at my picture. Because that’s what I want her to do.

Wife: And it is my job to obey him.

 

Guy: I hear cutting trees helps release pent up sexual energy.

Me: Who said that?

Guy: Rocky Balboa.

Me: Wow. That’s symbolic.

Guy: Yeah. You’re chopping down wood.

 

Guy: All are contempt. Like Shakespeare said.

Me: What play was that?

Guy: Romeo and Juliet.

Me: All are contempt? Or condemned?

Guy: All are…contempt. Except he said it in Old English…verbage that I don’t…

 

Guy #1: So Harry brought the egg to the bathroom and Moaning Myrtle was like, “The last guy opened the egg underwater because, you know, it’s a mermaid egg and mermaids live under water. So he did and figured out the riddle.

Guy #2: Hold on. Who was the 15th president of the United States?

Guy#1: I don’t know.

Guy #2: What’s John 14:6?

Guy #1: I don’t know.

Guy #2: You can’t watch Harry Potter and know all the details and not know those basic facts!

Guy #1: I’m sorry. I just don’t.

Guy #2: What does 2 Timothy 3:16 say?

Guy #1: It says something.

Guy #2(singing): Lord, I’m hurting.

 

Me: I’m wanna see how many worship songs I can apply to different situations.

Girl: I’m going to the bathroom.

Me(singing): Let it rain.

 

Me: This bookshelf. I forgot it was there.

Guy #1: Do you have something against the bookshelf?

Guy #2: Get it? Because there are books against the shelf?

Guy #1: Aaaand scene! Our people will call your people. That’s all we need from you today. You can go now.

 

Me: I saw you and thought of calling you Pierro. Would that have offended you?

Brazilian man: No. I’ve dealt with racism my whole life.

 

Me: Do you have any celebrity crushes?

Girl: No! I hate celebrities. If I were gonna have a crush on someone, it’d be a dead person who’s done something inspiring with their life.

Me: Like Agatha Christie.

Girl: She’s a woman.

Me: I…I meant…

 

Girl #1: There are plenty of inspiring women. Like Beatrix Potter.

Me: Who is that? Is she from Harry Potter?

Girl #1: She wrote Peter Rabbit.

Girl #2: Basically, don’t talk to Emmanuel about anything cultured.

 

Girl: Your jokes need context to be remotely funny.

 

Me: We should go to Amici’s. You wanna add that to the bucket list?

Girl: Yes.

Me: But we’d have to order lactose-free pizza right?

Girl: No. By then I’ll have magically regained my lactose tolerance.

 

White girl: Are you guys moonwalking backwards?

Spanish girl: Ummm…that’s a little redundant.

White girl: Sorry. I’m white.

Me: Don’t worry. I didn’t know who Beatrix Potter was.

Girl: Wait. Don’t you write children’s books?

Me: Thank you for adding another layer of shame to it.

 

Me: Do you have lotion?

Girl: Yeah, but it smells like a thousand wishes.

 

Me: Next to racism, the worst part about being black is ashyness. It’s like racism on your skin.

Guy: Facts.

Me: Wait. Why do you wear lotion? Is it just because of the smell?

Guy: Are you really asking her why she wears lotion because she’s white?

 

Me: I wonder what they said to Jesus when He sneezed. “Bless yourself.”?

Girl: Probably, “Couldn’t You fix that if You wanted to?”

 

(Reading ice cream box)

Me: “Lactose-free ice cream: Easy to digest.” As opposed to…

Girl: Difficult to digest.

Me: I imagined people choking on it because they couldn’t swallow it.

Girl: That’s swallowing. That’s different from digestion. You were a bio major? Where’s your degree? Let’s look together.

 

Me: I don’t apologize to you when I do something stupid?

Girl: I do recall the times you’ve done something stupid. I don’t recall the times you’ve apologized for the aforementioned stupidity.

 

(Talking about spoon assassins)

Guy: I’m sad that no one died today.

Me: Context is important here.

 

Me: My contribution to the women’s menstrual cycle is admitting that I know nothing of the pain of the women’s menstrual cycle. So I choose not to make any jokes about periods.

Girl: Good. Or else you’d have blood on your hands.

 

Guy: If I was a woman and a man was making fun of my periods, I’d tell him, “Say that again and I’ll shove your face up my uterus and drown you in my blood.”

 

Me: Your heart is a gun and feelings are bullets. Some girls are trigger happy and keep shooting at everybody.

Guy: If you’re getting shot at, you’re living in the wrong neighborhood.

 

Guy #1: What time is the YFS lock-in?

Guy #2: I don’t know.

Guy #1: Aren’t you a YFS student?

Guy #2: Aren’t you shutting up?

 

Me: You are one of the most annoying people in my life. But I have to admit, your eyebrows are on fleek.

Girl: My trybrows?

Me: What?

Girl: I try hard to keep them on fleek.

 

 

Me: Do you wanna come to an open mic with me and your best friend tonight?

Girl: I can’t. My Moana viewing party is tonight. I guess fakemmanuel won’t be coming.

 

Girl: There are too many people in the world. And by too many, I mean everyone.

 

Guy: She paints. In Japanese.

 

Guy: When is y a vowel? They never said when, they just said sometimes.

 

Girl: I can’t get in touch with her. She hasn’t responded ever since I sent her that picture of my face looking like a foot.

 

Me: I’m excited.

Guy: I’m Yahveh. Nice to meet you.

 

Guy: Someone left their drum sticks.

Me: Did they leave wings?

Guy: I don’t get it. You’re gonna have to explain it. Unless you’re gonna chicken out.

 

Me: There are different levels of corniness. There’s tolerable corniness. There’s really bad corniness. And then there’s you.

Guy: I’m honored.

Me: I’m Emmanuel.

Guy: I thought you were excited. Sounds like you have an identity crisis.

 

Guy #1: Did anybody feel that poem on their skin? I felt all the hairs on my body go WOOP! That’s a fact. Nutrition facts.

Guy #2: They’re on the back of the bar!

 

Guy #1: I am free to be me in He.

Me: That was quintessential Christianese.

Guy #2: That hurt my soul. It was fantastically bad.

 

(After a hard hi five)

Me: Sorry.

Girl: It’s ok. It’s the pain of friendship.

 

Me: She’s Finnish.

Girl: Finished with what?

Me: No, she’s Finnish. She’s from Finland.

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