The Book of Quotes: Winter 2017

Me: Didn’t you tell me there was only one Ginger Ale left?

Guy: Yeah.

Me: Then why is there another one?

Guy: Sorry. My glasses are expired.

Girl: Let me do your make-up.

Me: No! What do you gain from this?

Girl: It’ll be funny!

Me: You know what would be funny? Putting spiders in your cereal.

Girl: How would that be funny?

Me: The same way you don’t want spiders in your cereal, I don’t want make-up on my face.

Girl: Give the make-up kit to her since you don’t need it.

Me: I don’t know. Maybe I could put some on since you guys were so set on making me up.

Girl: That’s gay.

Me: Exactly. Tell that to her.

Girl: No. It’s gay for you to do makeup without us. I still would’ve liked to do your makeup.

Me: That makes no sense. “We wanna get you drunk and high to drown your problems away.” “That sounds depressing.” “Not if you do it with friends!”

Girl: What?

Me: It made sense in my head.

Girl: Screw you and your cows.

Girl: No two eyebrows are fleeked the same.

Guy #1: Married life can be hard. Sometimes I’ll be like, “God you gotta help me with this.”

Guy #2: Like what, doing her hair?

Guy #1: No. That’s not…that’s not a normal thing that married couples do.

Guy #2: So you’re not doing her hair?

Guy #1: No. Where did you…?

Guy #2: What’s the matter?

Guy #1: I’m trying to figure out what TV show you watched that gave you that idea.

Guy #1: How’s the champagne?

Me: It’s the best tasting urine in here.

Guy #2: I’m about to go to the bathroom. I can give you some real good urine. Aged to perfection.

Me: What if black hair isn’t stubborn and you’re just trying to make it do something it wasn’t designed to do? Like boys in the education system. Sitting them there for 8 hours a day in a chair when they’re supposed to be outside running wild and free.

Black girl: Go climb a tree.

Girl: She speaks 4 different languages: English, Tamil, sass, and super sass.

Me: What do you like to read?

Girl: Usually books.

Girl: It was dirty when you said it. But what I was doing was being a child of God and thinking in righteousness.

Girl #1: My hand is itching me. Is there a Haitian saying for that?

Me: Yeah. My Mom used to say something.

Girl #1: In Jamaica they say you’re gonnna get money.

Me: Oh yeah. That’s right.

Girl #2: Technically, it’s vitamin deficiency.

Girl: It’s just so hard because…

Me: Because this is who you are. So if you put it on paper and they reject it, they’re rejecting who you are.

Girl: I was gonna say it’s hard to articulate. But thank you for adding an entirely new layer of fear to my already existing problem.

Me: I can’t do a French accent. And it doesn’t make sense because I speak French.

Guy(with accent): Zis is funny, heh heh?

Me: That pisses me off because you don’t even speak French. It’s like finding out an athiest can speak in tongues. You don’t deserve this!

Guy: Oh my gosh. You are so obnoxiously Caribbean.

Guy: In the name of Bruce Wayne. What are you doing?

Me: Any kind of coffee is gross. It’s like different flavors of urine.

Guy: I remember when I was ignorant.

Girl: See if I don’t cross the horizon to find you and snatch your soul. See if I don’t find the line where the sky meets the sea and cut you with it. See if I don’t drown you in this very convenient ocean with no witnesses.

Me: Oh word? See if I don’t smile at a tree and bop you with coconuts. See if I don’t kill an eel then make you swallow its guts. See if I don’t turn you into a tapestry on my skin of all the victories I win.

Girl: Lady Gaga’s so versatile. Her jazz voice is bangin’. She did something with Tony Bennet.

Me: Yeah. And she did something with Frank Sinatra.

Girl: Frank Sinatra is dead.

Me: Oh. I meant…

Girl: You meant Tony Bennet.

Me: Yes.

Girl: It’s okay. You’re still cool. Just laught it off.

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