Girl: Did you know that your secret talent is saying all the wrong things to women?
Guy: “My parents told me if I had sex I would die. Then I found out I could have sex and not die.” That’s the millennial reaction.
Guy: The baby boomers tried to get people in the church to get up and do something, but nobody moved. Then my generation comes and we’re like, “God, send me overseas, I’ll die in a hole in Afghanistan and give my life for the kingdom. But God forbid I keep my pee pee in my pants.”
Guy: She’s cool. And so is her friend. That whole friend group is really cool.
Me: Birds of a feather flock together.
Guy: And men of a wing…share the same swing.
Girl #1: John Meyer is so good. He’s disgusting.
Girl #2: Yes. Disgusting. He doesn’t shower. Or brush his teeth.
Guy: John Meyer doesn’t take a shower? Who is this guy?
Me: I literally hate when people literally use literally in non-literal ways.
Girl: I know right? Like, I’m literally a giraffe.
Guy: I thought I made up “rachissimo”, but she said she’s been saying that for a while.
Me: Ideas are promiscuous like that.
Guy: Facts. Them thoughts be thottin’.
Girl: You wanna hang out tonight?
Me: I went to bed really late last night.
Girl: You was with one of your hoes?
Me: I was writing about my calling.
Girl: That’s what you call her?
Me: I was legitimately spending time with the Spirit.
Girl: Of lust?
Me: I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.
Me: I’ll be back. I’m going to the bathroom.
Mom: You didn’t have to tell us that.
Me: I’m sorry. It just came out.
Girl: Came out?
Me: I just…never mind.
Girl: You’re a serial sister zoner. “You get a big brother! You get a big brother! YOU get a big brother!”
Girl(singing to State Farm tune): Like a good brother, Manny is there.
Dad: If a cop stops you for drinking, just tell him your church takes Communion at night.
Me: Wow. That was punny.
Girl: Not now. The Spirit is moving.
Girl: I’m so hot.
Me: So if you were a man…
Girl: If I were a man, I would’ve been smashed me.
Girl: No. Finish telling me how pretty I am.
Guy: Once you make eye contact with that first person, you can make eye contact with anyone. You can make eye contact with somebody flipping a burger, somebody eating pizza—you can make eye contact with somebody with no eyes. You can make eye contact with Fetty Wap.
Me: Is that yours?
Guy: Is that YOURS?
Guy: Then it’s not mine.
Guy: It makes sense if you don’t think about it.
Girl: You speak French?
Me: I learned French first, but then I started speaking English at school and French took a backseat. So French is that best friend you had since knidergarten. Then you got to middle school and met a new kid that you connected with in a way that the first best friend couldn’t. Then you started dtaing a girl and she joined the friend group too. This went on through high school and now French is like, “I’m still here. But things are different now.”
Girl: I didn’t understand any of that. But I enjoyed the journey.
Me: You can sit on my bed if you want.
Guy: I shouldn’t. I just used the bathroom so there’s a crater in my anus. You can put that in the Book. Capital Anus.
Girl #1: Is this Taylor Swift?
Me: Yes. And it’s “Last Christmas”.
Guy #1: That was a swift answer.
Girl #2: Sometimes I want to throw you somewhere.
Guy #1: That answer was taylored for that.
Guy #2: Oh my gosh.
(Girl is playing guitar)
Me: Are you gonna serenade us?
Girl: I’m actually serenading myself, but if you get serenaded too, that’s okay.
Guy: So it’s a secondhand serenade?
Girl(flash of insight in her eyes): That’s what they meant?!?! (Breaks out into Secondhand Serenade song)
Girl: So someone in the caf was like, “What kind of soup is it?” And I was like, “Chicken and broccoli.” And she’s like, “Is it good?” And I said, “Soup’s good.” Get it? Like supe? Super?
Me: I wish there was a word for the emotion that puns make me feel. It’s like someone is farting in my soul.
Woman: What’s a good pun?
Guy: There are no good puns. They’re just bad jokes. “Haha. You’re “punny”.”
Girl: That’s not a pun! That’s a spoonerism. That’s when you combine two words together like “hypotemoose”.
Guy: Now you’re just pulling crap out of everywhere.
Guy: I don’t know her. Why did she hug me?
Me: Maybe she’s in the Christmas spirit.
Guy: The only spirit I know is the Holy Spirit. So if it’s not that, get it away from me.
Me: On Spider-Man, you’re buggin’.
Guy: I see what you did there.
Me: August 20th is my parents’ anniversary.
Girl #1: Really? August 20th is my parents’ anniversary too!
Girl #2: Well, August 20th is nobody’s anniversay for me cuz my parents were never married.
Girl #1: …Okay see you later bye!
Girl: He’s so funny! I wanna be his best friend.
Me: He says he’s free to hang out next week.
Girl: Emmanuel, please tell me you did not text him.
Me: What if I told you that I did?
Girl: I will end your existence. No one will remember you. You will have no legacy.
Guy: I’m pregnant.
Girl: I knew it! He was too moody for my taste.
Me: What are your plans for the rest of the day?
Guy: As a great philosopher once said, “Work. Work. Work. Work. Work.”
(I walk in wearing all black)
White woman: Hey, Emmanuel! You look really black today!(Look of shock)
Me: It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean it to sound like that.
Me: What did I say on our way to Red Lobster and you said, “First of all, I’m gonna punch you in the throat.”?
Girl: I don’t know. I threaten to punch you in the throat a lot.
Girl: I believe it was the great philosopher J Cole who said, “I’m convinced that anybody is a killer. All you gotta do is push ‘em to their lips.”
Girl: I’m pretty sure he said “limits”, but it sounded like “lips”.
Girl: I want him to teach me how to skate backwards.
Me: I asked him to teach me. You should come over when he’s teaching me.
Girl: I can’t.
Girl: Because I’m attracted to him.
Me: Sounds like a stronghold.
Me: Anything can be fun. And everything should be fun.
Girl: You’re really weird.
Me: I try to live by that philosophy.
Girl: That you’re really weird?
Girl: Oh. Because I was about to say: mission accomplished.
Guy: I’ve been memorizing more Scripture lately. I’m on Psalm 147:10: “God does not delight in the strength of the horse. He takes no pleasure in the legs of a man.” Which is funny because God takes no pleasure in the legs of a man. That’s just a funny sentence.
Girl: That’s a skill I don’t have.
Me: Will Smith once said, “Talent you have naturally. Skill is only developed from hours and hours and hours of beating on your craft.”
Girl: …Yeah. That’s a skill I don’t have.
Woman: Are they a student or a person?
Woman: I mean…
Me: I can’t help you with dating. When I was your age, I was thinking about catching Pokémon. So unless she’s a Bulbasaur, I can’t help you.
Me: You know who I’m talking about? He’s Puerto Rican too.
Girl: So just because I’m Puerto Rican, I’m supposed to know him? That’s racist…I know him. That should go in the Book. I honestly feel so pressured talking to you, wondering if I’ll make it in the Book or not.