Girl: He bumped me the first time and I turnt the cheek. But the second time, I ran out of cheeks.
Guyanese girl: I’m foreign.
Me: Stop saying that. You’re exotic.
African guy: When is the American holiday in July? Independence something?
Guyanese girl: Don’t ask me, I’m—
Me: Don’t say it.
Guyanese girl: I’m exotic. Don’t ask me.
African guy: I’ll ask the indigenous. When is the holiday in July?
Me: 4th of July.
Girl: Why is Christmas romantic?
Me: There’s mistletoe, it’s cold outside, but it’s warm inside…
Girl: That’s your recipe for romance?
Guy: Whoa! My filter just kicked in. So that’s what that feels like.
Girl: I have a stomachache.
Me: So do I. We can be stomachache companions.
Girl: No. I have my period. Calm down.
Girl: When are we gonna do our parody?
Me: That’s right. We have a lot of projects on the back burner. A lot of babies in the stroller.
Girl: You shouldn’t say things like that.
Me: If you were a dog, what dog do you think you’d be?
Girl: I don’t even know what kinds of dogs there are.
Me: Dalmatians, golden retrievers, poodles, chihuahas…
Girl: I think I’d be an Alaskan Malamute.
Girl #1: You want my Sprite?
Me: I don’t drink soda.(to girl #2) I’ll drink your Ginger Ale if you drink her Sprite.
Girl #2: It’s the same thing.
Me: No, it’s not. If the Ginger Ale is Haitian, the Sprite is Canadian. They’re two entirely different things.
Girl #3: Wouldn’t the Ginger Ale be Canadian because it says “Canda Dry”?
Me: Well done.
Girl: Can we help you cook?
Me: I don’t know. I’ve never cooked with anyone before.
Girl: I can toss your salad.
Guy: That sounded sketch.
Me: No, it didn’t.
Guy: Emmanuel, just tell ‘em yes or no.
Me: You know you’re gonna have to be there for 4 hours, right?
Guy: Well, that’s just 2 hours longer than they were originally gonna be there.
Me: Whose side are you on?
Guy: I can play both sides of the field.
Me: That sounded sketch.
Jamaican girl: I went to school with Bob Marley’s granddaughter.
Me: Oh cool. Did you see him at graduation?
Jamaican girl: No. Bob Marley’s really, really dead.
Black guy: I was at the wedding and I was surrounded by vanilla—in a sea of vanilla and I was the only black guy there.
White girl: Cuz vanilla is boring, right?
Me: Swim your way out of this one. C’mon, Michael Phelps.
Guy #1: So I had a thing with a girl over the summer.
Me: There was a summer thing? That was fast. So it wasn’t a full-blown cake, then. It was a cupcake.
Guy #2: Yeah, he was baking a cupcake.
Guy #1: It wasn’t a cupcake. It was an éclair.
Guy #2: It was a cupcake. You just happy that éclair is in your vocbulary.
Guy #1: We’re not friends.
Guy: Sidebar: how do you put stuff in your Book of Quotes? Do you go home and reflect on your day or do you just remember it all and sit down and put them all in in one shot?
Me: It depends. I try to write them down as soon as I hear them. But if I can’t do it right away, there’s a worker that holds onto them and when I get home, I’m like, “What was that quote?” and he pulls up the file again.
Guy #1: I was baking a cupcake, but she wanted a wedding cake with three tiers.
Me: But you gave her tears. T.E.A.R.S.
Guy #1: Wow! (starts speaking in fake tongues)
Guy #2: Yo, you gonna wake up one day and God’s gonna snatch your tongue out your mouth.
Puerto Rican guy: Ever since you told me she lives with white people and they cook and their kitchen don’t smell, I haven’t been able to get off that. I make a bowl of cereal and that joint smells.
Girl: Sometimes it’s tough being the chosen one. Ask Jesus…ask Harry Potter.
Me: That might give them the push they need.
Guy #1: This ain’t Happy Feet.
Me: I don’t know what that means.
Guy #1: I don’t either, but if felt like the right thing to say.
Me: But how?
Guy #1: Because of Happy Feet. “Don’t push me to the edge because I’m about to lose my head.”
Me: That was a stretch.
Guy #2: You reached for that. That was Reed Richards type of stuff. But not so fantastic.
Me: Can you teach me how to milly rock?
Guy: I gotchu, bro! (to gilfriend) Hold this.
Girlfriend: Nothing good starts with “Hold this.”
Me: Embarrassing stories. Go.
Girl: Ok. Anyone uncomfortable with the female anatomy?
Me: I’m actually very fascinated by the female anatomy…let me rephrase that.
Girl #1: I used to get bullied. Until one day I got up and BAM!(punches hand) No more bullying.
Girl #2: I told my bus driver someone was bullying me, but that works too.
Me: What did we say about that? God’s gonna take your tongue.
Guy: God doesn’t take back the gifts. If He did, He would’ve taken Beyonce’s.
Girl(yells at me)
Me: You’re so loud. It’s 11:54.
Girl: Who cares? My freaky neighbors? Guess what? I heard them having sex the other night. Twice. And the next day, the guy was walking behind me on the sidewalk. You know how I knew it was him? The same grunts. So you think he cares about my loudness?
White girl: I’m Puerto Rican.
Puerto Rican girl: No, you’re not!
White girl: I was born there.
Puerto Rican girl: That doesn’t matter! You grew up here using salt and pepper in your food. Do you know what sofrito is? No! Because you’re White!
Mixed girl: You gotta say, “trigger warning” next time.
White girl: Trigger warning!
White girl: I was in my home ec class and I messed up some cooking…
Puerto Rican: Cuz you were using that salt and pepper.
Me: Salt-N-Pepa were Black, by the way…anyone?
Girl: …I felt a breeze. And when my friend checked me, there was a huge stain on my pants.
Me: That happened to me before class one time.
Guy: No. You’re not on the same page.
Girls: What did you think that story was about?
Me: I thought I knew what it was about from the get go so I’m over here waiting for the punch line like, “There was a trail of blood on the floor behind me.” But that never happened. So I figured it must be about something else.
Girl: “Trail of blood?” That’s not what happens!
Me: But I’m thinking—
Guy: Stop. You’re at the bottom of the ocean and you’re digging yourself deeper.
Guy #1: They made him sacrifice a cat.
Me: Sacrifice a cat?! What?!
Guy #2: Why do you think that’s weird? You told us your grandmother ate babies.
Korean guy: My grandparents were from North Korea.That’s why I’m in seminary—to free my people. Call me Moses. And, babe, you’re my Sarah.
Korean guy: Oh.
Girl: Why don’t you answer my question, Emmanuel? Answer me…sidebar. We’re gonna have to come up with a nickname for you because Emmanuel’s too long.
Me: Make sure you go home tonight and cry your balls out.
Me: Eyeballs. I meant cry your eyeballs out.
Guy: Now that Trump got elected, say goodbye to everything multicultural.
Guy: Nope. You can’t say that no more. No Taco Bell.
Me: No Chipotle.
Guy: No French Fries. All you got is potatoes.
Me: Not even. That’s Irish. You’re just gonna have apple pie and that’s it.
Guy: Facts. But you can’t even say that anymore. No facts. Just opinions.
Girl: For the record, nothing you just said made sense.
Me(sends picture of hip hop abs workout)
Guy: I cannot do this workout for one reason. I look nothing like the guy on the cover!
Me: That’s the point. We’re gonna look like him when we’re done.
Guy: No, Emmanuel! I will never look like him! No matter how many abs I get, I will never be black!
Girl: You thought.
Me: Therefore I was. Get it?
Girl: I got it. But it wasn’t fire. That’s why I wasn’t blown away.
Guy: You know how the Bible says the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak? The flesh is like when you’re playing Call of Duty and player 2 is a noob and keeps dying every 2 seconds. The spirit’s already moving to the next level and is like, “Alright, let’s go. Wait, you’re dead again?!”
Daughter: Beans, greens, potatoes—
Dad: Stop with that. I can’t get it out of my head. I was in my room putting on my pajamas humming that.
Girl: What are you bringing to Friendsgiving?
Me: Something good. It’s gonna be like Men’s Wearhouse. You’re gonna like the way it tastes—I guarantee it.
Guy: Men’s Wearhouse has food?
(Discussing Fantastic Beasts)
Me: It was that kid in class who tries too hard to be funny. You’re sick of him and want him to stop. I like his effort and I’m entertained. But I wouldn’t invite him to my birthday party.
Guy: No! This movie didn’t try at all! It’s like that kid in class that never says or does anything interesting. But you keep thinking about ways that he could be. Then when you move over to talk to him, you discover this horrid body odor.
Girl: Isn’t she an adorable chicken nugget?
Me: As weird as that sounded, I have to agree with you.
Guy: I know this might sound weird and random, but even though Taph is blind, I think she’d be the type of girl to go out with Black guys.