Youth pastor: Dogs have pads on their feet and they smell like Fritos because of the bacteria on them. You knew that right?
Youth pastor: Go home and smell your dog’s pads.
Youth: No. It sounds like you have a fettish.
Youth: Who sings “Right Here Waiting for You”?
Youth pastor: Karl Marx.
Me: That doesn’t sound right.
Youth pastor: I mean Richard Marx.
Me: Yeah. Karl Marx used to be a singer/songwriter. It didn’t work out so he decided to take over the world.
Me: You know what’s even better than that? Peanut butter, cheese, bacon, and eggs.
Woman: Wow…that’s…that’s a horse of a different color.
Professor: The different kinds of taste are sweet, sour, bitter, and imami.
Black student: What’s “imami”?
Professor: It’s hard to describe. Have you ever had chicken with no sauce?
Black student: Absolutely not.
Me: You don’t like cheese?
Guy: I’ll take it.
Me: If cheese was a person…
Guy: It would be my sister’s casual drinking buddy. I’m like, “You’re cool. But you’re probably not good for her.”
Guy: I went to bed around 1. What about you?
Me: I went to bed around 10.
Guy: That sounds like living.
Me: But I also woke up at 5.
Guy #1: You should impersonate Ben Carson.
Me: Not again.
Guy #1: Didn’t you study Biology? Maybe you guys are related.
Guy #2: I know he didn’t mean it like that because you’re black, but it came out like that.
Me: I happen to like caf food. It it’s a person, it’s that friend who’s really funny, but people don’t get his humor. So they’re just like, “Shut up!” But if you take a few of his jokes here and there and play them back-to-back, they’re pretty good.
Guy: No. Other restaurants are the Avengers. And this is…
Me: Other restuarants are the Avengers in Ultron and the caf is the Avengers in Civil War.
Guy: Where people die.
Guy: It’s the second Fantastic Four. No Jessica Alba. And Dr. Doom is trash.
Girl #1: I remember her. She was pregnant, right?
Girl #2: No.
Girl #1: Maybe that was a secret.
Me: Haiti and DR are like siblings who don’t get along.
Trinidadian: Which one is the bad sibling?
Dominican: We’re both bad.
Me: Have you ever had peanut butter, eggs, and bacon?
Guy: It’s amazing. It’s like you grab that boot over there with the hair and the gum and mix it with the mayonaise and you’re like, “Jesus just came back.” It’s that good.
Me: What? Dude, that’s going in the Book of Quotes.
Guy: I made it?! Yes! Thank You, Jesus! I couldn’t have done it without You! I’d like to thank Sarah Samson, Spiritual Formation…
Me: I happen to like caf food.
Guy: Well, Jesus meets us where we’re at, Emmanuel.
Woman: That hurt.
Me: I’m a rough lover…let me rephrase that.
Woman: Nope. It’s already in the Book of the Lamb.
Guy: I’m gonna need you this semester. I need some mature, level-headed friends to look out for me.
Girl: I’ll try to find some for you.
Girl: Feel free during the hours of 3 and 9 to bring me a Haitian patty.
Me: I’ll feel free. It won’t happen. But I’ll feel free to do it.
Girl: Wow. I’m not gonna lie. I was pleased by that savagery…but don’t ever do that again.
Me: We ended up exactly where we started.
Girl: You can’t be making random turns.
Me: I didn’t turn. I went straight. Why do we sound like an old married couple?
Girl: I don’t know what you just said. Just be quiet and listen to the song.
Guy: Nobody cares about the Greek gods cuz we all know they’re not real. But my God—He blesses me every day and night. And I know if I swear on Him, I’m finna get killed. So I swear on the Greek gods cuz ain’t nobody care about them.
Guy #2: But if you say “on the gods”, that includes all gods, including Jesus.
Guy #1: So I’ll be more specific. “On Zeus….on Hades…” And it’s circumstantial. Like, “You don’t think I can finish this water? On Poseidon I’mma finish it…On Aeres I’m throwin’ hands. On Dionysus, my wedding reception’s gonna be lit.”
Guy: On Haphaestus, it’s hot as balls in here.
Me: I’m OD proud of you right now.
Guy: On Aphrodite, thanks for the love.
Guy: I’m coming later cuz I have an eye appointment, remember?
Me: On Cyclops, I forgot about that eye appointment.
7-year-old: I’m still trying to unlock the door.
Mom: If your brother is out of the room it’s obviously unlocked.
Me and friend laughing.
Mom: I’m gonna leave the two of you here to deal with this then see if you still think it’s funny.
Guy: He’s extremely humble. But I’m more humble.
Guy: The Korean?
Girl: He’s Malaysian. Don’t confuse your Asians.
Guy: The sarcasm in that sentence was more racist than my question.
Preacher: The church is in a graveyard?
Preacher: Well…don’t invite me to preach at a revival. I’m not walking through dead bodies at night.
Woman: The dead bodies are there in the morning too.
Preacher’s wife: No, they sleep in the morning.
Girl: Do you have some ice cream?
Me: Are you sure? I thought you were on a diet.
Girl: Or some water? I’m hot.
Three minutes later
Girl: I asked Emmanuel for some ice cream and he said, “No. You’re too fat.”
Me: See? That’s not what I said.
Girl: I used to be a trap god in a former life. You should put that in your book of quotes. I’m working hard to get put in that.
Girl: She’s really pretty.
Me: You should tell her that.
Girl: She’s pretty too. You should hit on her.
Watching Civil War
Guy: I’m so excited. I was looking forward to this more than anything all week.(Looks at wife) And our date last night too. Which was thrilling, by the way.
Me: There are some students on campus I wanna have little versions of and put in my pocket.
Girl: Yes. That’s not creepy at all.
Tourist #1: What are some notable things about Queens I should know?
Me: I’m not really familiar with Queens. Ummm…I know Spider-Man is from Queens.
Tourist #2: The Mets Stadium is in Queens.
Girl: They don’t have Polish Boys up in New York.
Me: No. We have Haitian boys, Canadian boys—
Girl: I’m gonna slap you in the face.
Girl: God will deliver you from that spirit.
Girl: That speak-before-you-think spirit.
Listening to Stevie Wonder’s “Superwoman” in the car
Me: We’re in Jersey, by the way.
Girl(Turns volume down): What?
Me: We’re in Jersey.
Girl: During Stevie? Was that necessary to say during Stevie?
Girl: You say a lot of things that I don’t really care about.
Girl: It’s clear to me that you say things just to get a reaction out of me. The workers in your head literally have board meetings about it.
Girl: I’m eating the lunchables I bought you.
Girl: Cuz you were actin’ stupid before.
Me: When I asked you if you had to pee?
Girl: I forgot about that.
Me: When I called you “Mom”?
Girl: I forgot about that too.
MeL I should stop.
Me: How was the bonfire?
Guy: It was lit. No pun intended.
Me: I’ve been watching Stranger Things.
Me: Is it weird that I secretly fantasize about being Elle’s youth pastor?
Girl: That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.
Me: I got to class and when I sat down, I realized that my pants were ripped.
Girl: You didn’t feel your thighs touching before?
Me: My thighs don’t touch.
Girl: Oh, excuse me.
Me: I don’t think guys’ thighs touch.
Girl: Are you sure? Haven’t you seen guys’ thighs?
Me: I don’t look at guys’ thighs.
Girl: Well, I thought since you were a Bio major, you’d know the anatomy of guys’ thighs.
Me: Why are we talking about guys’ thighs?
Me: I’m going to a friend’s church in the Bronx. When I get back we can do Stranger Things.
Woman: That sounds sketchy.
Me: We can watch Stranger Things.
Girl: I really appreciate the fact that you know you’re wrong.
Woman: My trip to Italy was stressful.
Me: What made it stressful?
Woman: I went with 5 other girls and…
Guy: Say no more.
Girl: Let me preface this with something you already know, but are wise enough not to say to my face.
Girl: My emotions are very bipolar.
Girl: Did you just agree with me?
Me: I said “ok”.
Me: I’m about to give you some advice. But this is something that I’m living through too. Don’t think I’m saying this and pretending it’s easy. I’ve been circumcised in this area so this is me taking my foreskin and…never mind. That was…
Girl: No! Finish that sentence! Please! Give me your foreskin!
Woman: They need to have another dance here. Someone needs to get married.(Looks at me) You’re the only single one on the team. Get on that.
Girl: That’s why we’re still single.
Me: It makes me sad when you say that. I wish I could just…never mind.
Girl: No. Go ahead. I was fully prepared to laugh at you.