Girl: Drunk people are fun to manipulate.
10-year-old: I don’t think that’s a true story because it has a lesson.
Me: No throw outs.
10-year-old: Can I just put this one down?
Me: He’s getting married.
Friend #1: Really? To who? Am I invited?
Me: Ummm…I guess not…
Friend #2: Way to go. You’re really sharp tonight, aren’t you?
Friend: I don’t like this song.
Me: Really? “Sixteen Going on Seventeen”? I have it on my phone cuz I was gonna dance to it with one of my youth for her birthday.
Friend: Doesn’t that transgress the whole youth pastor and youth relationship?
Me: No. It’s like a father-son dance.
Friend: What? What kind of world do you live in?
Me: I mean father-daughter.
Friend: I don’t like cheesecake.
Me: I’m sorry to hear that.
Friend: It’s like diarrhea on a plate.
Girl: I’ve always wanted to be on speaker phone in someone’s car. It makes me feel like a radio talk show host. “Wussup, it’s DJ Melly Mell on the track!”
Girl: Never fry an iPhone.
Girl #1: You can freeze someone and they can survive into the future.
Girl #2: No. Scientifically they showed that’s not true.
Girl #1: Well, scientifically, they don’t know anything.
Girl: What pokémon describes my personality?
Guy: Anything that’s abusive.
Youth: I’m not gonna take notes when you’re sermoning.
Guy: What do you call a Black guy on the moon?
Guy: An astronaut.
Guy #1: Do you think humans will ever land on the Sun?
Guy #2: Yes.
Guy #1: I agree. But only at night.
Guy: Who would win, the Army or a stick? Most people would say the Army. But if you shoot a stick, now there’s 2 sticks. So no matter what, you’ll always get more sticks. Think about it.
Guy: If you water an apple tree with apple juice, is that forced cannibalism?
Guy: How does Benjamin Button end?
Me: He dies. Well…he’s born again. Not as a Christian. He’s just born…again…He dies.
Guy: Did you know that if you laid out all the veins in your body, you’d be dead?
British woman: What does she look like?
Me: She’s heavyset.
British woman: I’ve never heard that term before.
Me: What do you say in England?
British woman: Fat.
Me: Well, in America we try to be politically correct.
British woman: Honesty is better.
Guy: Why don’t you pretend to know about something else since you’re not a part of this culture?
Girl: I need a portable charger.
Cousin: Aren’t they all portable?
Girl: Emmanuel, every time I think about periods, I think of you because you’re so open about it…wait. That came out differently out loud…I mean that if I was in the middle of a period disaster, I would think, “Emmanuel would like this.”…I’m saying a lot of things.
Me: Have you ever had peanut butter and eggs?
Guy: Is “peanut butter” a type of chicken?
Me: No. Peanut butter.
Guy: Maybe peanut butter and…bread?
Woman: Ask your Korean friends about live octopus. They serve baby octopus. I wanna try that.
Me: It’s still alive while you’re eating it?
Me: So wait. Eating a live baby octopus is better than eating peanut butter and eggs?
Woman: Yes. It’s the experience.
Me: Ok. Just making sure we’re clear.
Brother: I’m gonna get some more putin’
Me: Like Vladimir?
Me: Russia? No? Over your head?
Guy: Still up there. Hasn’t come down.
Mom: So, have you—
Mom: You didn’t even let me finish.
Me: “Have you found a girlfriend yet?”
Mom: How’d you know?
Me: You had that tone.
(To dog lover)
Woman: I’ve eaten crocodile, alligator, ostrich…
Me: Have you ever had dog?
Woman: I’m sorry?
Me: Never mind…Normally that’s a logical question.
10-year-old: Do you play Pokémon Go?
Me: No. I play Pokémon Stop.
10-year-old: Lemme see.
Me: It’s on my phone. I have the Samsung Invisible.
(Pulls out hand)
(Kid tries to download Pokémon Stop on phone): Why isn’t it downloading?
Me: Because it’s “stopping” you from downloading it.
10-year-old: Then how did you get it?
Me: Because I have the Samsung Invisible.
10-year-old: I hate you so much.
Youth pastor: Repeat after me. I.
Youth pastor: Was.
Youth pastor: Wrong.
Girl: You’re exceeding my sass bar.
Guy: You sassed me first.
Girl: I can’t sass. I’m Asian.
Korean girl: He accused me of being a white girl.
Korean guy: I didn’t accuse her. I just said that she was.
(Trying to learn Korean phrases)
Me: So if I’m a Korean guy and you wanna say “How are you are you?” to me, what do you say?
Korean girl: “How are you.”
Me: No…So I’m stranded in Korea and I need some help so I go to a Korean person and I need to say “How are you?” to start the conversation and get some help so I say…?
Korean girl: Well, if it’s an emergency, you’re not gonna greet them.
Me: Did you know that in ancient Rome they used to wash their teeth with urine? What would you do if you were kissing your wife and you found out that she’d been washing her teeth with someone’s urine?
Guy: That’s an automatic divorce. God ain’t put you in my life for that.
Me: I watch Arrow because I feel like I can relate to him.
Girl: You can relate to a millionaire playboy who kills criminals with a bow and arrow?
Me: No…it’s the…never mind.